Category: Diary of a Bodhisattva

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Dear Diary; The Space Between

Every day Anadi and I meet on the corner of our two streets … We meet at 7.30am to go running together, and then we meet there again at the end of the day to go wandering the streets, walking and talking and stopping (now) in eateries and drinkeries – sharing our day, sharing ourselves…

The other day when we arrived at ‘our corner’ there were two women there, chatting and laughing… Anadi was waiting nearby and when i arrived and saw them there, I laughingly said ‘You’re on our corner, it’s where we meet…’

‘We’ve seen you’, one of them replied, smiling and then gestured across the road – ‘we live over there…’

A day or so later we met them coming the other way in the street; we all smiled a greeting and as we passed one of them said, ‘It’s the lovers…!’

I reflected that her words spoke of the energy in the space between Anadi and I – of lovers – and it prompted me to write again about the space between us…

I have written about the ‘space between’ before, but it is such an important space, and it is so often not recognised quite how important, that I will write about it again…!

The space between all of us is the sacred space – it is the space where all our relationships live.

That is how important it is.

It is the home of our relationships, and if this space is clean and harmonious then our relationships are happy, harmonious, offering growth, loving fun, expansiveness…

The space between two people is also where children are being born and living, breathing, growing up – and they are being affected every single moment by the space they inhabit…

Is the space safe?

Is the space harmonious, joyous…?

Or is the space contaminated with tension, anger, fear…?

It is also the space where everything is born, ideas, creativity, trust, love, intimacy, fun… Our part in keeping the space safe between us and the other, is to reflect on and explore the space within us…

As the poet Rumi said

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it…’

For ironically if it is in relationship where we are looking for the other to love us, so that we know we are loveable and loved – without looking within to where we do not love ourselves – then we can unconsciously contaminate the relational space and so contribute to getting the exact opposite to what we were seeking.

And this is in all relating, friendships, colleagues, marriages, love partnerships, between parents and children, all forms of relating you can think of…

If instead we are aware of the need to heal the aspects within us where we have built the barrier to love, then we will be in a better position to honour the space between ourselves and the other…

This practise is a forever practise, and a moment by moment practise. It is about personal responsibility and personal reflection…

In conscious relating we can share with another our own processes, when we discover a barrier to love within us… This practise, this sharing maintains safety in the space between… There are no shocks, just truthful exploration

If we always are consciously thinking… ‘What kind of energy am I putting in the space? What words am I putting there? What thoughts and feelings? what reactions?

And if we are always personally reflective from a loving stance, then we will be conscious of what we are contributing to the sacred space between us and the other…

From this place we can change our own lives and the lives of others by creating space that is loving and safe and therefore expansive with no limits to what is possible…

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Dear Diary; Three thousand possibilities

Julia Chi flowers

‘God grant me the wisdom to know the people I can’t change, the wisdom to know the people I can…

And the wisdom to know the only person I can change is me…!

Anadi and I had stopped to talk to our friend who sells ‘The big issue’ magazine near Pret, on our way to get our Sunday pain aux raisins… 

He spoke of the shame and guilt he carries, ‘important to free yourself from that’, I said, ‘thats a heavy burden’… ‘It is’, he affirmed and then he told us how he prays every day to be released , and that this is also one of his prayers…

That’s the only prayer really; to know its all us… That the only person we can change is ourselves. It comes back again and again to ‘pressing that pause button’ whenever we are pointing a finger in criticism or anger at another person, at the world, at a situation… And to notice there are always three fingers pointing back at us….

These three fingers point at the need to investigate and they point to the place we can change…..

Ourselves. 

We can release the guilt and the shame; we can free ourselves from past regrets and doubt and fear, unease… We can change our patterns and re write our scripts.

We are free to do all this, moment by moment, always coming back to the breath, to the now…

In the now – the Buddha taught us – there are three thousand possibilities – in every moment we have the choice to continue on the same groove; or to go in a completely different direction… To consciously create rather than operating unconsciously.

We are free to do all this… We can flourish and heal and grow and flower

Like my two pet geraniums!

They are called Gerard and Georgina and they live on the windowsill outside the front of my flat…They have lived with me for a few months now.

Kate my landlady sent them to me because they were ill, and the previous geraniums who lived there were flourishing… So the flourishing ones went up the steps to Kate’s house, and the sick geraniums moved in…

‘We think you are a plant whisperer’ she said…’ Which is why I am sending them to you…’

And so I whispered to them every day. I told them they were beautiful and that I loved them and I said ‘hello’ and whispered sweet nothings, every single time I passed them… 

And I watered them too!

They started to get better and then to flourish and flower. They grew tall and strong and happy… They were whispered back to health

As so we too can whisper ourselves into the best health. By staying in the ‘now.’

By always noticing ourselves and staying present and affirmative; by releasing past regrets and with kind and loving words remembering that in every moment….

There are three thousand possibilities…

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Dear Diary; Pure existence; Pure passion

Julia Chi Taylor - Bodhisattva Conversations

Anadi and I were enjoying a hot and humid Hyde park ‘morning meditation on the move’… Gently jogging around the Serpentine, we had just passed the Peter Pan statue when we saw a man ahead of us – a young strongly built man – his hair in a pony tail… He was walking very slowly with his hands cupped together….

We stopped beside him… ‘What have you got in your hands’ I asked… He opened them a little to reveal a brightly coloured orange and green baby parakeet. ‘It’s fallen out of a nest in a tree and can’t fly’ he said, ’I’ve been told there’s an office I can go to, I didn’t want to leave it to be savaged’… It was sitting in his hands quietly watching.

‘It trusts you completely’… I murmured as I gazed at the little creature… My body, responding with goosebumps… ‘I feel the same’ the young man said

A little baby bird, demonstrating presence, silence, stillness

Pure existence…

That evening almost five months since my last alcoholic drink I found myself sipping a delightful concoction, quite magical in its light fragrant intoxication.

The sound of happy diners all around us, a birthday party in the corner, where gales of laughter rose from at intervals… My birthday dinner too – I decided on the spur of the moment – three months on from my birthday… I have always liked an never ending birthday and this year has leant itself to that…

Pure passion was the name of the cocktail Anadi and I chose…. Looking across into the eyes of this beautiful man, I was reminded of the words by Kahil Gibran in his work ‘The Prophet’….

‘Love one another, but make not a bond of love; Let it rather be a moving shore between the shores for your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from the one cup’ 

We had one cocktail each 🙂

We were in a corner of a restaurant on the corner of a street in Chelsea called Chelsea corner! The rain was pouring down outside so hard; glistening road, windscreen wipers going on the fastest setting to no avail…

A young man passed our table, making his way to the bathrooms looking as if he had been in a swimming pool… ‘They said it was only a two minute walk’, he gesticulated to his crowd of friends who had trooped in just before him, all with umbrellas dripping….

‘Two minutes turned Into fifteen’, he continued, ‘and now I feel like I’ve been in the bath…’ He disappeared to dry himself as best he could and we glimpsed him later, continuing un deterred with his evening…

More of the same passage from Kahil Gibran came to me…

‘Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone. Even as the strings of the lute are alone through they quiver with the same music’; and I reflected on the richness of this day, of all my days – so full of love and connection – with Anadi – with all of humanity… A baby parakeet and a big strong man, and all who I have encountered today on the path of life.

All of us journeying alone on our own path together…. The words are from a passage on marriage, but they speak to me of the journey of life, of humanity, of oneness…

We are all one…

‘You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore’

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Dear Diary; Innocence to Wisdom to Innocence

Another sunny Sunday outing…

The miles flowed by in our land of parks and pelicans; statues, people, guards guarding a palace….

All familiar now, but oh how new and delightful in each moment…

Through St James park across the Mall and up the steps we ran… The Duke of York column reaching skyward above us several houses high, surveying the scene for decade after decade…

He’s been standing there since 1834

Onwards up Regents street turning left into Piccadilly… As we were approaching St James Church we heard the words of a minister talking about Christ…

A service happening outdoors… We stopped and stood looking inwards from behind the gates, listening to his soothing voice talking about Jesus; dying so that we might have everlasting life.

He held up the bread and the wine, symbols of the body and blood of Christ, to consecrate them…

And I was immediately transported to the years I spent in church listening to these familiar words and partaking in this same ritual…

He invited us all to say the Lord’s prayer together and so Anadi and I repeated with the assembly gathered inside the gates…

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever world without end
Amen.

And as I recited these words, tears arose within me… I know not why? Perhaps memories surfacing and clearing of days gone by…

And on we ran… 

Under the arch at Hyde park corner – a the stream of traffic all around… Another memory flashed of days gone past…

Me cycling around here on my 21st birthday… (much less traffic then!) I’d journeyed on two wheels  – with only 3 gears (in those days!) – some 50 or 60 miles  from my home in Headley to meet some friends in Hyde Park…

Running onwards we reached our breakfast and coffee stop in the Duke of York square, and I stopped to buy a big issue – the vendor engaged us in conversation… He asked how far we had run…

He then told us that he too had been a runner when he was in the army, and so we shared running times and the joy of running for miles.

Time to think he volunteered… I’m in recovery he added; and I feel the fittest I have felt in 30 years… I’d like to run a marathon, or at least walk one…

When we set off on our life journey we were so innocent and unaware of what a huge undertaking this journey would be; the difficulties, the sadnesses and pain we would encounter along the way – as well as the delights and joy and fun too of course….

But it is often through the hardships that our lessons are learned…

The wisdom gained of life lived.

And then can come about a return to the innocence of the child within us, with the experience, the wisdom through the learning etched now within us…

And from this place – whenever in our lifetime we arrive there (maybe many times!) – we can set off once more with the enthusiasm of when we first began….

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Dear Diary; A Light unto Ourself

As we ran adventuring through the parks Anadi and I passed a table tennis competition – both players were focused and engaged while cars zoomed all around.

Marble Arch rose above them …

Police in cars, and some more in groups on foot gathered there too…. We made up the two were unrelated…. But who knows?

It was like running through a scene in a dream with seemingly unrelated connected events all happening at once…

Life…!

Further on we encountered a group of people congregating by a pushbike with a big poster stuck onto it heralded a meeting about the politics of freedom of speech… We stopped to watch a bit and enquire as to what was happening, but they were unforthcoming about their plans…

On we ran.

Big white tents were being erected in Horse guards parade and big vans were parked there too… Large cameras stood dormant, covered with plastic.

We asked the lady on the gate what was happening…

‘They’re filming an event to celebrate VJ Day … It will go out on August 15th’ – she told us. We chatted with her awhile and told her about the events in Hyde Park… ‘You’re running’? she asked; ‘Well, we’re on an outing really’, I replied…

‘With time to stop and chat to people like you’ – Anadi laughed…‘And time for a coffee break too’, I added…

Fortnum and masons doors were open; the interior beauteous to behold… We stood in the doorway awhile gazing at the sumptuous fare set in its luxurious ornate world…

The woman on duty at the entrance invited us to go in and take a proper look, but in shorts and vest we said we were a bit sweaty and not really dressed for it!

So on we ran

To Sloane Square.

Where we sat for awhile and I made a little video, remembering times gone by, sitting right here…

It never happened

Just a story now

And I am the same

But oh so different

Time that doesn’t exist has leant me the opportunity to reflect and clear and shift and return to my true self, and to always allow time in this perceived real world to be with just me….

And let go further of the me

That doesn’t exist…

This world where everything we engage in is a chimera in comparison to the truth of who we are…

Meditation

Our own space

Our own silence

To experience who we truly are

To be a light unto ourself

Alone 

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Dear Diary; Now is all we have

Anadi and I have continued our weekend practise since we were locked down of wandering about…. 

So on Saturday we set off up the road – first stop ‘Matcha Beyond’ to purchase my new ‘favourite almond croissant’ – onward to Pret for Anadi to pick up his Swedish meat balls…!

And then to the Duke of York square for coffee from Partridges… 

Our breakfast complete, we sat on the grass in the hot hot sun, the artisan fare stalls now set up all around us on small the running track beside the square….

After we’d eaten our picnic we meandered around the track looking at all the delicious food and drink, stopping to buy a young coconut and drink its juice… ‘Where are they from?’ I asked the stall holder… ‘Costa Rica’ he replied…

The last time I drank coconut juice fresh from the coconut was when Anadi and I actually were in Costa Rica… It was the end of 2013… We had set off as nomads on December 6th a year exactly to the day we had met…

Costa Rica was our first – very eventful stop! Within twelve days Anadi had lost his business, and five days later we almost lost our lives in a rip tide…

I remember realising we were in trouble… We’d been running along a huge expanse of golden sand with the waves crashing beside us – not another soul in sight – and so we hadn’t seen the sign on the path above the beach that warned of dangerous rip tide currents… 

We had splashed into the sea in our running kit to simply jump about and play in the huge waves – we weren’t even swimming – when suddenly I realised there was nothing beneath our feet any more and that we were being swiftly carried out…

‘We’re in trouble’ I said to Anadi… A surge of panic rose in me ‘Help me’ I called to him, just as a seven foot wave crashed into him and sent him tumbling away from me…

I relaxed, ‘Please help me’ I said silently as I surrendered to the possibility of dying, a fleeting thought flashed through me that I had ruined some people’s Christmas by dying now on December 22nd…!

I then heard Anadi calling out ‘Use the waves, swim with the waves, use the waves…’ 

And that is what we did… We used the waves, and both of us strong swimmers, managed to eventually reach the shore… Utterly exhausted we leant on one another for what seemed an age – and then we walked slowly up the beach to sit and sit and sit until we were able to very gently jog home…

We were subsequently told by any local we cared to retell our story too, that had we gone with the rip tide, it would have shot us out to sea 200 metres and that then we could have swum the mile along the coast to a safe bit of beach…! Hmmmm! 🙂

On December 25th Anadi proposed to me…

The first 19 days of nomadic life had set the scene for an incredible next five years…. 

And now we are here… 

Wandering about in London Town instead of far flung places… The richness of life revealing itself from the inside out in every step we take. 

Glorious days with Anadi…

We continued our wandering past Harrods into Hyde Park and onto Kensington Gardens for another coffee and – by now, lunch – stop to re fuel, where we watched folk playing bowls, table tennis and actual tennis…

After lunch we wandered on down the path, and I ran my hands over a familiar plant; ‘ummm’… I smelt my fingers… 

There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance; pray, love, remember’, I quoted from Shakespeare…

The stories of our lives; now just stories – our nomadic life now a chapter all of its own… Experienced, lived fully and now just a part of the story of our life…

Fun to remember, in the now…

But now is now, now is even better, because now is here 

Now is all we have

Remember to live it fully, pray, love, remember to live it fully.

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Dear Diary; Coming of Age

A text from my landlady popped into my inbox… 

‘I’m sorry for the noise, it’s my daughters 21st, I’ll make sure the music isn’t on too late…”I don’t mind at all’, I replied, ‘she can be as loud and as late as she wants, it’s her 21st’! 

If we are to live easeful lives, it’s important to know that many many things will happen on the apparent outside that could easily threaten our equilibrium…

Other humans for example!… Living their lives, sometimes directly directing things at us, sometimes vicariously…

As in having a party above us, or making merry in the hotel room beside us before an important race or big meeting the next day… Or being allocated a training room to work in with clients for four days, with an exceptionally noisy building site making an exceptional amount of noice right outside…

I have experienced all of the above…

I’ve run races – really well too – on only a couple of hours sleep, due to travel trouble…

Once upon a time, we (the team) turned up in Norway at midnight (because of plane delays) for an international race due to start at 9am the next morning… We were served dinner on arriving – which didn’t finish until 2am – eating something and being polite to our hosts had seemed more important than sleeping…!

Another time, we flew to an international in Barbados sitting for seven hours in the smoking section of the plane – I am dating myself! This was in the 80’s.

Our agent had been held up en route, which meant the whole British team were checked in too late to be allocated the non smoking part of the plane… But we were all up ‘bright eyed and busy tailed’ the very next morning competing in 28 degrees heat – it was December too – with humidity through the roof, and our lungs full of smoke…

Another time, I had been working in a company in Philadelphia with my colleague; we were due to land at Gatwick at 8am… This would give us a day to prepare the training day, for the day after that with the London part of the company…

I was in a half sleep and ‘came to’ at 10am to find we were still in the air…

There was too much fog to land!

We circled Gatwick all morning, and then flew to Paris to re fuel the plane and us… At 6pm three jumbos all trying to land at Gatwick were re directed to Manchester, where they fed and housed us all for the night!

We got to our beds at midnight and at 4am we were on the platform to catch a train to London, where we did as much preparation as we could for the day ahead….

Some months later I was working individually with one of the people who had been on the training day and I told her the ‘behind the scenes’ story…‘Wow’, she said ‘I would never ever have known that the two of you were jet lagged and had hardly slept…’

We had pulled it off…!

Relaxation and acceptance of ‘what is’ – not fighting or railing about the external circumstances, and knowing that the only way to shape the future is to be present and relaxed in the now.

I learned very young to relax, to be fully present with what is going on…I had read that it was helpful to give whatever the cause of disturbance was, permission to be there and to stay at ease within…

To stay present.

To not give anything outside us permission to wobble our inner state of ease and calm.

As we become more and more able to stay present and to be still within, we witness within ourselves a ‘coming of age’, a spiritual maturity…

Silence within, amidst the ‘noise and haste’…

The party above me was still in full swing at 3am this morning…

I mostly slept through it …

But every so every so often I was aware of music, conversation, fun and laughter….

The celebration of a coming of age…!

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Dear Diary; Off The Lead

Anadi and I were planking on the grass together one morning last week!

We had shed bits and pieces by the benches, my vibram five fingers, my running belt, Anadis Xero shoes and his T shirt…

A little dog raced excitedly over to our ‘belongings’ and rummaging around, decided eventually on one of my vibrams…

Off he raced; his owner in hot pursuit…

Anadi and I maintained our plank throughout a fit of the giggles.

She retrieved my shoe and brought it back explaining… ‘It’s only his second time off the lead…!’

He continued to race wildly and excitedly about, and was soon back on his (albeit long) lead…

I reflected how a huge part of my life has been unclipping myself from the lead of childhood…

And mine was in many ways a very long lead…

Born at the very end of the 50’s, my young years happened through the 60’s, which meant there wasn’t the same surveillance over children as nowadays.

We were let loose very young and raced for hours alone in the woods and over the common land… No mobile phones and only hungry tums bringing us back when ‘penny chews’ had stopped filling the gaps…

But the lead was there, none the less… Strict rules about ‘how to go on’, expectations of behaviour and a definite realisation whenever we ignited the disapproval of our ‘elders and betters’…

But in some ways, the separation from the adults – and the hours of freedom where there wasn’t a lead in sight – did allow for the space to find our who I was.

Essentially someone whose main purpose in life was to lark about and learn how to become clear within, which was there, even as a child… The awareness that all I ‘wanted’ (an oxymoron) was spiritual growth…

Oh – and to run and run and run! At first with no purpose other than to enjoy the joy of the running step….But then for many years I took up the burden of ‘pressure to succeed’, to eventually return to that original place… 

To run about, because of the  love of running about…

And along the way I completely unclipped from that lead – which demanded somehow that life was about something more than this…

More than simply larking about

In the moment

Silent

Still 

And free

And running about for the fun of running about.

It’s my second time off the lead and this time no one’s putting it back on me again!

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Dear Diary; ‘Three Thousand Possibilities…’

It can be empowering to first recognise that we are all dreaming our life into being…

Now….

In this moment – which means that in every moment we have the potential to create a different future…

As the Buddha said, there are three thousand possibilities in every moment

And so this would indicate that we can create anything we want…

We are pure consciousness experiencing life, experiencing ourselves in a body, thinking thoughts, feeling emotions… 

We believe these thoughts and emotions and experiences that arise from them, to be who we are….

But so often our personality is simply a set of ideas and ideals and adaptations created from our past which we have become used to…

We often don’t question, or even stop to notice the patterns and predictability of our life…

Consciousness has limitless potential, everything we see and experience is created out of the no thing ness.

Consciousness doesn’t need form, but it seeks to create it and this universe is teeming with the possibility and potential of absolutely anything that we can imagine…

So why do we often feel so stuck, in a rut, doing the same things over and over… ?

Acting out the same habits, reactions, responses that then bring about the same life…

If we like this life, and who we are – then all is well…

But if we would like to feel fully at ease, with peace inside, and to create from a place of joy and ease; without the push or stress that may have accompanied other times of desire or striving – even perhaps when we have tried to learn to meditate and be still!

Then it is important to start to connect to who you truly are.

And we discover ourselves in the silence of the breath…

In learning to be the witnesser when we meditate

In this silent space within, we can be free of the habits of our unconscious and start to consciously create our life…

Breath by breath by breath.

We can discover how to be the masters of our body and our mind and experience life in the now….

When we create our life from this place, everything feels different…

But it takes practise, like anything…

Just deciding to do things differently or be different doesn’t often have lasting effects… When we don’t shift at the core level then we easily revert to the patterns and programming of those initial years…

It is through being present in every single moment and being conscious of our every feeling, reactivity and thought that we can start to truly understand how we can in the present moment heal the past and create a new future…

It comes back to the breath

To be present

To feel and experience presence – being willing to fully step into the step.

To feel it, be it, and know that if you are fully present, the next step can take care of itself from our conscious creativity…

Connecting to our true self and the life we would truly like to live can happen in wonderful ways from the moment we commit to looking within rather than searching for stimulation and answers outside of ourselves…

In this moment, we can turn inwards and know ourselves

But it takes practise

Practise

Practise

Being presence

Being present

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Dear Diary; Body Mind Mastery Magic

It was Saturday morning, a text popped in from my nephew Jamie… He and his fiancé Bethany (my niece in law!) were back in London after Locking down in Lyme Regis…

‘Perhaps we would we like to meet up in a park to do some training…?’

‘That would be great…’ I replied.

Every Monday morning Anadi and I run a longer loop route to Battersea Park, where we perform a circuit session – designed by me!

I suggested that they may like to join in with that?

The plan was formed… Executed for the past three weeks with perfect precision!

At 7am on the dot I hold a live Chakra Chant meditation in my ‘Conversations with a Bodhisattva group’, this is finished by 20 past… 

And Anadi and ready ourselves to run; out of the door by 7.30am – up the Kings road we jog, passing Bethany en route as she walks in the opposite direction from the station – coffee in hand –  on her own path to the park…. 

Jamie waiting for us outside Sloane square tube station joins in, we hardly miss a step (except for a hello hug!) and the three of us run to Battersea Park via Chelsea Bridge… We make our way round the outer circuit, arriving at a grassy expanse where we join up again with Bethany – sitting waiting for us on our ‘training benches‘ ready for action!

Our little training group applies itself with fun discipline, and after thirty five minutes or so we emerge the other side of our circuit… 

Today we had an extra member of the group – Karolina – she arrived in London two weeks ago and was finding her bearings barefoot in Battersea Park, she came over to us and asked if we were an organised training group – I said we weren’t; but that of course she could join in if she wanted…

And so we were five…

After training it is handstand practise!

Jamie who represents Great Britain in acrobatic gymnastics, and Bethany also possessing amazing acrobatic abilities, means that we have manifested within our magic Monday a tip top coaching team

And our handstands are improving – very noticeably!

Once again I have been shown the wisdom that to do something better often requires moving away from the way that feels more comfortable and familiar – and stretching to do something different and therefore rather uncomfortable…

But, by pointing my toes, straightening my legs and my arms, as I go to into the take off – or is it a take up? The improvement once I actually did those things ( instead of slipping back into habitual ways) was almost immediate; and it felt so different…

Balletic straight light….

At first I kept reverting to my old way, the body programmed into what felt doable…

But with repetition and practise the stretch has opened everything out – and suddenly I felt like I flew into a different space; a timeless, upside down world…

Our tried and tested ways – our programming – so often feel so comfortable that even if we’d like to do something different – in our lives, with our bodies, our relationships – even if we are given the new skills, the old ways tempt us back again and again, and then we stay in the same old often limiting cycle…

Learning new skills with the body can be a perfect metaphor for discovering new skills within us…

As we learn skills of how to master the body, we can use these inner skills to master our life…

Stretching to press pause, to learn to be with what is in each moment; training ourselves to respond in different ways, behave in different ways, and so create different things…

To literally have the ability to turn everything upside down and see things from different  perspectives, to challenge our paradigm, investigate it and try pointing our toes and straightening our legs…

And so discovering the magic of finding out what happens when we do something different….