Dear Diary;Love Because Love is What You Are

I had never been so close to swans before.

They’re so tall… When they stretch their necks, so tall.

I loved them.

‘I have a relationship with them now’, I said to Anadi… We were so close, they took bread from my hands (I was glad of my gloves!) in their big strong beaks and I felt such love for these creatures that came to me for food… But that didn’t matter, I was close to them and I loved them. I didn’t need them to love me back, or want me for anything other than the food I held in my hands!

I was happy to be near them.

Like the squirrels and the birds and the parakeets… So honest and transparent and true… Like we all are really; if we just dropped all the masks and the pretence and stopped looking for love – for approval, for validation, for recognition…

And instead turned inwards to love ourselves so completely, to accept ourselves, to become whole again and return to our innocence.

Our true nature, and to know that is love.

We are love.

It so easy to love a baby, a toddler a little child, a kitten a dog a horse – a sweet wild squirrel that climbs up your leg…! Because they are true, relaxed, themselves – not trying to do anything or be anything… 

Other than be themselves.

But – so often we were not accepted as little children for the way we were – but instead were shaped to the ways of others…

And so the pain began, the journey away from love.

And the quest to start looking for it all over again outside ourselves, when it is there within us all the time. 

But while we search and search, ‘the other’ can serve as the mirror – and often a magnifying class when the relating is closer and deeper – for us to see where we have become separate from our 


And so we can become whole again through this outward journey when we learn again to look within… And discover that instead of love being about wanting the other to love us, instead love becomes about loving because it is fun to give love, to share love…

Whether it is a swan a squirrel the person you pass in the street – or buy your coffee from in the morning – or your partner or child or best friend or not

Love because love is what you are.

True love is without ego

True love is freedom

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you have built against it’ Rumi

Dear Diary; The Keys to Our Life

We all have the keys to our life…

All we need do is put them in the lock; turn them and the door will open to reveal a completely new landscape. In each moment the past completely vanished, just like the wake of a boat.

When I look back now at my life all I can see if the vast expanse of the ocean.

Of the life force.

Of infinity

Huge vast infinite… Lifetimes upon lifetimes. All happening here and now.

And at the same time all vanished into the no thing ness.

Each moment new, a drop of dew. Shimmering quivering with life. And in each moment limitless possibilities for something different to happen.

I am this moment.

I started writing when I was very small; I have lost the original ‘manuscripts’, but I can remember when I was eight years old I wrote a story about battle.

I wrote about the men praying for the battle to be over, and of their prayers being answered, but not as they might have wished; with an arrow through their heart – and they fell to the earth.

It was over…

I wrote about how if you were to look up there was beauty; sun blue skies, clouds scudding… Branches of trees dancing in the breeze; but then if instead you were to look down you would witness death and bloodshed; dying men and horses screaming in pain.

I wrote of how the battle ended, and the men went home to their families.

There were scenes of great joy and scenes of such sadness – some never returned.

Parting and re uniting all at once.

Life death and re birth.

I wrote about the yin and the yang; the samsara of this universe.

And for over fifty years, I have – in some ways – simply written the same thing;

Over and over again

And I have watched the yin to the yang reflected outwards in my life, as I swung with the polarity of this existence, until I could fully experience the silence beyond the duality, and so help others free themselves from fear.

Fear stops us from truly living and truly loving 


And others

In perfect love there is no fear

Dear Diary; Let Me Become

Let love and light shine from my heart
And as I run
Let me become
More me
More free
So that others can see it
And find it for themselves.

This was a prayer I wrote to myself many years ago; a poem of my dream; my wish to run free. 

The me below that me, ran to express; to paint the picture of my soul in each step

I knew that the only thing that mattered to me was to clear the pain, the places where I had separated from my self – from me; the true me – below the me that identified with being a fast runner, who sought the love and approval ‘out there’, through the chimera of success

To express freedom
To express love

I knew that all that mattered was to keep ‘wiping the mirror until there was no mirror to wipe’.

So that freedom and joy were in every running step.

I also knew that where I was trapped in the cycle of attachment to outcome; to the chimera of winning being important.

I knew this meant that I was not clear of the treadmill I was on.

There was more wiping of the mirror to be done.

I also knew that my running journey shone a light for me on the path ahead, and reflected straight back onto me…

This light guided me to the next step and the next… The joyous expression of my soul in motion; but it shone right onto my pain too.

My running step was both my salvation and my nemesis.

And many years later, I read this poem now; this prayer to the future me.

And I find the future me is here.

She runs, her feet bare, each step an adventure (if sometimes an ouchie one! )

I am more me
I am more free
I have become
As I run.