As I finished a super busy week with fabulous clients, I was reflecting that essentially my work with people has always been about one thing…
Relationship with everything there is!
Because essentially we cannot not be in relationship!
Every interaction, every encounter, every thought we hold about another, is part of a relational field.
The space between us all is where all relationship exists
At a deeper level, we are not separate.
We are all part of one consciousness, experiencing itself through many forms.
If consciousness is the ocean…
Then we are the waves and as the poet Rimi says ‘We are not a drop in the ocean, we are the ocean in one drop’
Each of us a unique expression – an individuated spark of something much greater.
I was brought up as a Christian, and some fundamental teachings stayed with me.
The key ones that have shaped my life are ‘What we do unto another, we do unto ourself’ and ‘love others as yourself’
Over the years, as my life unfolded and my work deepened, their meaning became deepened and informed my inner practise, and my journey has led me to explore relationship very deeply both in my own life and in my work with others.
At one point, a client described me as ‘The Victorian explorer of relationship’ and said it was why he came to me for guidance!
But in many ways his observation that feels true!
My work evolved organically.
People found me.
Conversations opened.
Sometimes quite unexpectedly, like when the wife of a client simply arrived and said ‘I want to be a part of this’!
And so began my work with couples!
What I have come to understand, above all, is that the quality of our relationship with others is shaped by the relationship we have with ourselves.
And yet…
We often only come to know ourselves through those very relationships.
Because relationship is, a mirror and intimacy is a magnifying glass!
It shows us what we may not otherwise see.
When two people come together, there is often hope.
Hope for connection, for love, for ease.
And yet, very quickly, something else can arise.
A subtle, or not so subtle power struggle.
Each person begins to feel ‘If only the other would change, then everything would be okay!
But this is where we can become stuck.
Because in truth, we cannot control or change another.
What we can do is look at ourselves – notice our reactions, shift how we respond – bring awareness to our patterns
And from this place, something extraordinary can happen.
The dynamic begins to change.
Sometimes, the relationship deepens and transforms.
Sometimes, we may choose to leave, but from clarity, not from conflict.
Not from being locked in battle.
Today, I want to write about something that can truly transform a relationship.
The psychologist John Gottman identified what he called:
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
These are four patterns of behaviour that, when repeated over time, can erode and even destroy a relationship.
They are:
Criticism
This is not the same as expressing a concern.
Criticism is when we attack the person, rather than addressing the behaviour.
It often sounds like ‘You always’ and ‘You never’….
And it creates defensiveness and distance.
Defensiveness
When we feel criticised, we often defend ourselves.
We justify, we explain, we deflect.
But instead of resolving the issue, this keeps the cycle going, and no one feels heard.
Contempt
This is perhaps the most damaging.
It includes – Sarcasm, eye-rolling, dismissiveness, a sense of superiority
Contempt erodes respect, and without respect, connection cannot thrive.
Stonewalling
This is withdrawal, shutting down, closing off, refusing to engage.
And while it may feel protective, it leaves the other person feeling alone and disconnected.
These behaviours are human, and we can all fall into them at times.
But the key is awareness.
Because when we begin to notice, when we criticise, when we defend, when we withdraw
…we create the possibility for something different.
Relationship is not just something we have.
It is something that reveals us to ourselves
It invites us to grow, to become more aware, and ultimately to come into a deeper relationship with ourselves.
When we begin to shift inwardly – we listen more deeply, we respond more consciously. We let go of our need to be right
And something opens.
Not through changing the other…
But through transforming how we show up.
To love another is not separate from loving ourselves.
To understand another is not separate from understanding ourselves.
Because in truth, there is only one field of relationship.
And everything we do within it matters.