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Dear Diary; Making the Path by Walking it…

Anadi and I spent Christmas Day running and jogging and walking around the Royal Parks of London… With no plan, no path mapped out… The day unfolding in joyous fun.

We had begun it chanting the Gayatri Mantra 108 times, which felt timeless – as if there wasn’t a beginning or end and so the day continued… We packed our skipping ropes and credit cards! Just in case a coffee opportunity arose – and off we went 

Making our path as we walked it….

Antonio Machado is a very famous Spanish poet… His poem ‘Caminante no hay Camino’ – Walker there is no path – inspired me as I ran barefoot across Spain in 2018….’ The poem continues… ‘Se haces el camino al andar’

You make the path by walking it…’

And so this is my life – making my path by walking it – and Christmas Day our metaphor.

Running about and seeing what happened, where we went, who we talked to, where we found a coffee oasis…

Machado goes on to liken our past to standing on a boat – looking behind and watching the wake  disappearing back into the sea… Like it never happened…

This resonated very deeply with me – the past is gone – there is only now – and there is no future… There is only the step we’re in.

It reminded me of my life, wandering about is my favourite thing, or running about!

All exists is this moment. All exists is this step. There is nothing else at all…

And so we stopped near the Albert memorial and fed the squirrels and practised our skipping – Anadi is a lot better than me! 🙂 And people came by and we greeted one another ‘Merry Christmas’ 

Some stopped, two women perhaps nearing 80 years  – ‘Well done’ they said ‘We played tennis this morning and now we’re out for our stroll’… A man in a bright Christmas jumper – with almost more holes than jumper ‘I always like to sit here and read, every day’ he said ‘This jumper is very old’, he continued ‘but it has sentimental value…’

The parks were full of others wandering, making their path by walking it on this Christmas day, 2020 – each moment sacred – never to be experienced again

To be fully here now however, there is often much inner work to be done because all the time we are ‘reacting’ out of the hurts from our past, then we cannot be in the present moment…

And so we must feel these hurts whenever they arise in the experience of now, in order to freely and fully connect to the absolute present… 

And from this place of letting go new impulses, which are not connected to our past patterns and scripts, can emerge from the silence within us.

To connect to our silence, we have much clearing to do and this often entails many paths that seem lead us in a circle! 

And so life an endless paradox, often seems a riddle and an unsolvable puzzle…

But we can keep making our path by walking it – and sometimes happen upon an unexpected coffee shop – open on Christmas Day!

And so this is how we came to be sitting in Marble Arch with the pigeons and other people drinking coffee…

Now.

No riddle to solve, or seemingly unsolvable puzzle, because it’s so is simple, now, while sitting with Anadi on a cold Christmas Day, sipping a coffee…

‘Walker there is no path…’

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Dear Diary; Life Goes On

Anadi and I sat outside drinking our coffee on a bright winter Sunday… ‘It feels like summer’ I mused, the sky clear blue and the almost solstice sun warming our faces…

‘It’s always summer where you are beautiful’, Anadi commented – I was immediately reminded of a favourite quote of mine by Albert Camus

‘And in the midst of winter, I found that there was, within me, an invincible summer…’

It resonated with me when I first discovered it – my life’s journey had always been about understanding the challenges, the painful processes that sometimes felt like a cold and unforgiving ‘winter within’ –  and I had come to recognise that the truth of me, the life force from which we are all born was ever present.

The I – the true I – below the ego I that struggled and resisted, the I below the struggle was always there – and so it was that in the midst of winter I found my own invincible summer; and this has sustained me through all the challenges I have since encountered…

I am always aware of it… This life stream, this inner sun, this invincible force, the flame that never goes out.

And it is there within us all, whatever appears to be going on on the outer levels – we can turn inwards to this inner sun, which can warm us and light the way – even when all our plans are disrupted, when change happens and it feels too much to bear.

Turn inwards, and there is the invincible summer… The warmth of the sun burning bright and the happiness you seek outside discovered on the journey to your ease within.

Easy words to write I know, when many people now are experiencing disappointment, separation and distress.

But the inner journey is the way to ease from the dis ease – as the Buddha said 

“There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path”

We had stood the day before – in manufactured sun -beside brightly burning heaters in the rainy Duke of York square, a Jazz band played in the corner and some acrobatic gymnasts performed for us in a created plastic bubble.

There was a buzz of joy, some danced to the jazz band, people wandered about, children zoomed on bikes and the Christmas lights of the Kings road twinkled brightly

Life goes on

A man came up to tie up the huge umbrellas securely – we exchanged greetings, ‘would you like a cranberry in a coat’ – I offered him my ‘packet from Pret’

‘No thanks’, he laughed – ‘but I’d say yes to a brandy and coke…’

Life goes on…

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Dear Diary; Practising the Art of Living

The art of running has been a lifelong practice for me.

I remember it all began when I was six years old – I am sixty one years old now – fifty five years have passed and I am still perfecting the art of running… 

The funny thing is that the result of my practise in absolute terms is that after years and years of practising I am getting slower and slower… What a funny thing that is! 🙂

However – I notice that the tension that built as I pushed harder and harder to get faster and faster, has gone and I feel like the child again.

I remember reading a book by Paul Auster, a novelist I enjoyed very much. I read many of his books and in one, an autobiographical story about his father  – he wrote about a man he met in Paris who was a composer. The man was old now and living alone and he composing a symphony so huge that is could never be finished.

He saw this as his connection to God – to the divine – as it wasn’t about achievement or attainment… It was simply his art pouring from him – perfecting it in something that would never be finished and so never could be anything but an expression of his soul in motion…

This spoke to me and I recognised this in my running, which I have practised for so long – only to get slower and slower – that the real purpose has been in the practise and the letting go of seeking achievement… And yet to still practise running to experience freedom in each step and to create my own never ending symphony…

I noticed when I am practicing that the main ingredient necessary to create this symphony is simply that each day I must turn up – each moment I must be there, here…

Every day is new, every day we are creating our life in each moment.

We can practice our own art, we can practice our life, we can hone our skills and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. It doesn’t matter if we are still practicing our skills and honing them and when we come to die, we haven’t ‘arrived’ – because there is nowhere to get to, so we can’t arrive anywhere.

There is only the deepening of the practice, which where possible, needs to be practised without tension. The ultimate is that it is carried out with joy, expressed with clarity, because whatever we are practicing is being communicated out into the world for others to see

Now of course this doesn’t mean that we don’t dare start, because we are aware that our expression and our art cannot be clear and free of tension when we begin…

Because it is in the practicing that we can see where there is tension and stress, and so have the opportunity to clear it away. It is in the practicing that we discover our tension, and our fear, and also where we learn how to free our soul so that it is in motion through the conduit of the physical manifestation…

I have discovered that in practicing running almost every day of my life, that gradually there has been more and more freedom in each step – more Zen…

I have learned how to become the master of my body and my mind; rather than the body and mind controlling ‘me’.

I trained myself to silence my mind firstly, through the practice of putting other things into the mind – so it wasn’t exactly silencing the mind, but it was a route to stillness.

In place of any negative thoughts, I put mantras, for example ‘I love you thank you thank you I love you’ was one of my favourites, as well as ‘I’m sorry please forgive me I love you thank you’ – and there were others at different times ‘Om ma ni pad me hum’ and ‘Nam myoho renge kyo’… To name a few.

Immediately, when I awoke in the morning, if I felt these negative thoughts coming in, I would start the mantra. This meant that straight away a relaxation occurred within my being… I would then get out of bed and begin my daily practice of stretching and strength and balancing exercises… Meanwhile coffee would be brewing in the kitchen, so next I would go and sit and drink coffee.

I didn’t allow any thoughts of ‘I don’t want to go’ or ‘it’s raining’ or ‘it’s cold and dark’ to enter my being… I would instead just enjoy my ‘coffee meditation’ – present to each delightful sip, and would then literally step out of the front door.

One step is all that is needed, and then the next takes care of itself – and the next and the next.

This is why following things that excite us, or interest us, can be wonderful for our growth – to ‘find out’ through the practises…

Practicing is part of life on earth, practicing anything, practicing meditation, practicing, singing, practicing speaking in public, practising art, cooking, computer programming…Whatever we want to practise…

It is always remembering that being still is the ultimate place to practise living from  – being silent – dropping between the thoughts to the place of complete silence…

The practice of stillness and silence is the most vital part of any practice.

If we practice from this place of silence, then our expression is limitless, and there is no attachment to an outcome.

And then our expression is a reflection of our limitless, infinite nature.

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Dear Diary; Become a Master of Life

I once went on a professional development course called ‘the social and emotional lives of men who succeed at work’, it was run by a professor who had spent many many years researching his subject.

At the end of the first day I called my sister Rosy…‘We were brought up like boys’ I announced laughingly to her…

One of the things that supported this revelation was that our father taught us to shoot coca cola cans with an air rifle positioned at the end of our front lawn some 30 or 40 metres away! He also taught us to shadow box and to fall well – of which I’ve been very grateful – relaxing when there is the realisation that the fall cannot be stopped, has saved me breaking bones in dramatic tumbles over the years whilst out running.

As Anadi and I run through the parks we often see ‘boxing practise’ happening – sparring, training and general moves to perfect the art… Skipping an integral part of the practise – expertly done – smooth, light, nimble, agile…

‘I’d love to to do that’ I have often said as we run by….

Then a week ago Anadi appeared on Saturday morning with a gift for me….Beautiful purple boxing gloves and some practise pads!

So far I have had four teaching sessions, under Anadi’s instruction – I am loving my new practise!

And then I ordered the skipping ropes too, which arrived in a flash and so now I am learning to box, and to skip again for no reason; just because I saw it being practised in the park, and it called to me…

‘I’d love to do that’ My spirit called out…

It wanted to engage in the process of learning that art through this body of mine…’

Our whole life a process… A journey from our birth to our death.

While we’re here on planet earth in a body, anything we might undertake – any endeavour – is an opportunity to become connected to and understand ourselves – to know and remember our essential self.

All learning is to find out what, at the deepest level, we already know – the level of our most profound self…

So whatever we are attracted to – wherever we would like to develop new skills, to get better at something, to master it… We have the opportunity to become a master of life…

Becoming a master of life can then lead to becoming a master of letting go of this life, and all the attainments and achievements – and become the master of learning to die well.

If we live well, in each moment, then we can die well too.

This can only be experienced through practice…

Everything can be achieved through practice. But to fully ‘achieve’ things with Zen – being here and now – we must experience everything fully.

Of course there will be some things in our own unique energetic body, that we are more naturally inclined towards and when we practice them, the expression that emerges might be more expansive, more colourful, more bright, more fast, more tuneful… A higher level in terms of how we measure things on planet earth – than someone else…

But the secret is to value who we are and the expression of ourselves, without comparison to others…

We might be inspired by the achievements and expressions of others – but it is important that we do not compare ourselves in any negative way for this is painful for the spirit and holds up our journey here, and misses the point…

If we are attracted to perfect a skill – there need be no comparison to another person or another expression of the same thing!

We are all unique and whatever our own expression on planet earth, in whatever endeavour we want to undertake, it is unique and valuable.

What is important is the practice.

The practice of our art… What is important is to discover ourselves within the process, to see and experience our own light and our own unique colour… To share ourselves and to be generous with our energy.

And so it has come to pass that I am practising how to skip again, and learning the art of fighting…! 

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Dear Diary;Love Because Love is What You Are

I had never been so close to swans before.

They’re so tall… When they stretch their necks, so tall.

I loved them.

‘I have a relationship with them now’, I said to Anadi… We were so close, they took bread from my hands (I was glad of my gloves!) in their big strong beaks and I felt such love for these creatures that came to me for food… But that didn’t matter, I was close to them and I loved them. I didn’t need them to love me back, or want me for anything other than the food I held in my hands!

I was happy to be near them.

Like the squirrels and the birds and the parakeets… So honest and transparent and true… Like we all are really; if we just dropped all the masks and the pretence and stopped looking for love – for approval, for validation, for recognition…

And instead turned inwards to love ourselves so completely, to accept ourselves, to become whole again and return to our innocence.

Our true nature, and to know that is love.

We are love.

It so easy to love a baby, a toddler a little child, a kitten a dog a horse – a sweet wild squirrel that climbs up your leg…! Because they are true, relaxed, themselves – not trying to do anything or be anything… 

Other than be themselves.

But – so often we were not accepted as little children for the way we were – but instead were shaped to the ways of others…

And so the pain began, the journey away from love.

And the quest to start looking for it all over again outside ourselves, when it is there within us all the time. 

But while we search and search, ‘the other’ can serve as the mirror – and often a magnifying class when the relating is closer and deeper – for us to see where we have become separate from our 

Self

And so we can become whole again through this outward journey when we learn again to look within… And discover that instead of love being about wanting the other to love us, instead love becomes about loving because it is fun to give love, to share love…

Whether it is a swan a squirrel the person you pass in the street – or buy your coffee from in the morning – or your partner or child or best friend or not

Love because love is what you are.

True love is without ego

True love is freedom

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you have built against it’ Rumi

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Dear Diary; Multiplicity and Unity

Anadi and I spent last weekend walking about, walking and walking, and talking and not talking…

Through the parks and streets of London Town… Walking and watching and being with the crowds of other people, who were walking and talking too… Runners running and cyclists whizzing by… ‘I  reckon 2021 is going to be my best season ever…!’

People meandering by… ‘He had to marry me, if I’d found out what he was like, I’d have left – so he had to marry me to make me stay… ‘

Catching snippets of conversation… 

‘We’d only been dating for two weeks, what the f…k

People sitting on park benches, and gathered in little groups, some leaning against a wall on the pavement, the bright sunlight warming their faces … Eating pizzas and pastries, clutching cups of coffee and hot chocolate – one picnic with Prosecco in proper wine glasses…

All of us united by experiencing this life, this day, this time in history… 2020 babies will be known, like war babies and baby boomers, Gen X, Millennials, Gen Z and now we are in a new era …

But there is no separation between me and thee, whenever and wherever we were born into this world…You and I 

If we remember this, even when it isn’t yet the experience – then it is easier to remember to be mindful

In each moment

Of what we put into the space between

This space that separates and divides – that is an illusion

Because there is a oneness to us all…

Consciousness experiencing itself…

Whenever we were born, whatever we think – what belief we hold, what opinion we like to express… We are much more than the thoughts we think, the words we speak, the roles we play, the identity we often cling to so firmly and rigidly…

When we remember that this illusion of light and dark, of good and bad, of unity and divide is an illusion… Then even if everything seems so real, so up or down, so good or bad, so happy or sad, so harmonious and then disharmonious – from one moment to the next… 

If we keep remembering that we are one

You and I…

‘I am that I am’

The I of God, of consciousness, of Love from which we all came – the Am that is the experience of all that is… I Am

Existence 

We all are 

I Am

Then the separateness that created the I that feels separate, rather than the I that is the consciousness within and without, the Love within and without, can remember that we are all one

And eventually the illusion of separation vanishes 

And we experience our unity

Our infinite awareness.

We come home to our self

Our true essence which is always witnessing the play out of our energy

In the mirror of everyone and everything – and we can rest in this mirror like awareness… Rather than feeling there is ‘us and them’, or ‘me against a hostile world’ – instead we can  experience the unity within us – the unity within the multiplicity of this existence

On the place we call planet Earth

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Dear Diary; Life is to be Lived

Richmond Park in autumn, brown green red leaves, green grass, green parakeets – and people… Cycling, walking, wandering people – dogs bounding about in the watery yellow November sun…

We had woken late on Sunday and made our way to a coffee shop for breakfast… Carrying our cups of steaming coffee and paper bag with pastries in, we had found a spot on the pavement where the sun shone bright – we basked there like lizards – enjoying the warmth of the almost winter rays on our faces … The day before has seen us breakfasting instead on a bench in the rain – we had huddled on one under the covering of a building!

We then found our way to Wimbledon common and ran about for awhile on the expansive verdant grass, following a route along beside the golf course, and then through the woods, we crossed the road to Richmond Park…

I ran there first forty years ago, no path carved as there is today; back then we found our way around the outside, climbing over fallen trees and running on paths made by the deer and other runners… I was twenty one and a half years young – hardly begun.

Now the route is clear and ordered but still the wildness remains, the raw beauty, nature abundant with crackly autumn all about.

A dog splashed into the water beside us

We laughed 

And on we ran… I am sixty one and a half years young now – hardly begun.

Every new day dawning as if it were the first one ever

To be lived… It is the first one ever, there is no other like this one… I like to run with no purpose now; like the child I was when I first begun – to run – for fun – for the joy of each step…

Of course in truth, even when I picked up ‘purpose’ – there never was – but I thought there was…

Miles to be logged

Times recorded

Journeying to a race, and then another and another…

With purpose… And I discovered so much in this purpose – about my self – and about how to let go… So that now once more there is none…I have journeyed in a circle, and now it looks very much the same, this life of mine.

I go running – but instead of logging the miles and recording the times

I don’t… 

The running step revealed to me so much, the purposes I followed showed me the way back to my self – to run to become.

And so it is…

Whatever path we are treading is our own to tread

There is no one way to truth, no authority can lead us there…

Every person must find their own way

The purpose of life is to live it

With a purpose or without

To live

Life is for the living

Life is to be lived

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Dear Diary; Bodhisattva Conversations With….

I love making my podcast – ‘Bodhisattva Conversations with…’ The magic of the dialogue in the space between, weaving and twisting the threads, the words into a picture story… Whole lifetimes explored in thirty or forty short minutes…

Connecting with the lives of the others who listen in…

I grew up with ‘The Parkinson Show’ a feature of my life… Always fascinated by people, I watched his shows from the age of twelve or so, sitting with my family on a Saturday night…

I thought it would be fun to be a guest.

For years and years every time there was a staircase that even only remotely resembled the steps to the hot seat – I would practise ‘my walk’ down them, the walk which would take me to Michael…

It was fun!

I would announce to anyone who cared to listen that I was practising for when I was invited onto ‘Parkinson’… I wasn’t sure for what reason I would be invited onto his show – but that wasn’t important…

In my thirties I saw every episode of ‘Mavis on 4’… I loved her too; and watching her interview people changed my inner direction – now ‘being the interviewer’ became the thing I dreamed of doing rather than ‘being interviewed’…

In many ways my life has been a series of ‘Conversations with…’ as my work has meant that I am always in an ongoing dialogue – where both me and the person in front of me are finding out about themselves…

I first started a podcast series about twelve years or so ago – it ran weekly for some time…

And now this year I have begun again – to interview people…

I love it

I don’t know why

But I do!

I have always done what I loved to do… It has been impossible for my spirit to stay anywhere it didn’t want to be or do anything it didn’t truly want to do… This created some hazardous moments in my early life, when I was taking the road less travelled And challenging the status quo…!

But it seems to be working out so far…

Sixty one years into my time here on Planet earth, following this energy wherever it has wanted to go, seems to be working out so far…!

And it loves to ‘Have conversations with…’ Those in the dialogue are courageously sharing, authentically sharing  what is important to them – where their energy has lead them… 

And who they truly are. 

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Dear Diary; The Totality of Now

One of Anadi’s and my Sunday morning saw us emerging from Hyde Park and running into the busy Sunday traffic and buzz of Sunday shoppers… 

We stopped on a corner and watched the boy pull his bike up like a rearing horse, while the Oxford Circus traffic stood still for a few minutes – the boy right slap back in the middle

In the moment

Performing his tricks

Focused 

Free…

There is a freedom in the moment – no past, no future

No regret, no worry.

In the totality of the moment there is freedom.

Inner freedom is always there for us whatever is apparently going on, on the outer realms. In this moment we are supported – by the ground beneath us –

Are you here, now?

In the silence of the mind is there anything to concern you?

When it is still, we can practise witnessing the activity of the mind from afar…

Now is the time to make quieting the inner noise, clearing the inner tension the most important thing to ‘do’. Now is always the time…

Now, ‘there is no time like the present’…!

In the totality of the moment there is transformation…. It takes practise, like anything….The mind didn’t start to ‘over think’ all on its own, any habits that we have didn’t happen in one moment.

It took practise to acquire the skills that sustain us and it took practise to acquire the habits that destroy us.

It takes practise to still the mind

It took practise to think all the time.

When the practise of thinking has become out of control, then the mind has become the master and we the slave…

The road to freedom is to become the master of the mind and of the body

We are they, but they are not we…

And as we stood on the corner of Oxford Circus, Anadi and I, we watched the boy and his bike….

Freedom our shared orientation

Our quest

Inwards.

‘Where the spirit of love is, there is Freedom’

Freedom is love and love of ourselves naturally extends to everyone we meet.

The planet our home, everyone a friend…

In the totality of now.

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Dear Diary; As I walked out…

Sometimes I wake up and think I’ll go for a walk…

And that I might keep going again – day after day like Laurie Lee ( and me in 2018!)… 

He inspired me when I was twenty years old, ‘As I walked out one midsummer morning’ echoed in my soul… Although by now my steps had become running ones, I had ‘walked out’ all my life, out into the fields behind our house, further to the woods and onto the common land…

Across to the next village and back again; walks taking three hours and more at a tender age… In Cornwall on holiday – early each morning alone I walked, by now inspired by William Wordsworth walking in the mornings around the lake – five miles or more…

One Easter Monday we walked seventeen miles to Guildford Cathedral – a group of us from the church – hours and hours it took until we looked up the hill to the cathedral standing tall and straight and red, the late afternoon spring sun shining on its windows – the organ playing inside…

And then I started to run instead of walk…

For years and years I was too tired to walk – when I wasn’t running I sat and reflected – or drove my car or took a train…

But in March 2020 when we were all locked in, walking walking and walking has all come back again…

Walking the streets and the parks with Anadi – hours and hours, each night we walked and through the weekend too.

And we haven’t stopped.

Time standing still in the step and the next…

The miles going by – the journey mirroring life – leaving it all behind as we go nowhere

The past melting into each mile and the next

No future on the walk

No purpose

No where to get to

But to be in the step and the next

And the experience of being alone together…

When I was twenty a wise person said to me about running that Van Aaken ( a renowned coach at the time) recommended walking breaks on the run. I listened to this truth, but didn’t hear it for many years…

I had somewhere to get to – the land of faster times – and I couldn’t afford to stop and walk…

But the land of faster times proved to be a chimera

I chose the best myth to chase 

My faster and faster times reached a point where they started to get slower and slower…

This irony wasn’t lost on me.

My spiritual quest of inner peace, silence, stillness always prevalent in the race to win.

And so after many many years I won my own race

I found out how to let go…

And walk out each morning – sometimes running, but with walking breaks as well; when I want, and so my soul follows the dream of the step…

Whether it is on the same well trodden routes around the parks and up the Kings road 

Or across a vast expanse of land

Spain…

Two years ago I finished my own walk out on the run – in my naked feet in the same town that Laurie Lee had ended too…I had forgotten this; not having read the book for almost forty years.

A Journalist alerted me… ‘So you chose to finish where Laurie Lee finished because he was your inspiration?’ she asked…

‘He finished in Almuñécar’? I asked with incredulity

Yes, he finished in Almuñécar too’…