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Dear Diary; Becoming Running Barefoot

My feet asked to be naked again, and so of course I listened to their plea!

Through the winter months they were happily snug in vibram five fingers, but then the soul yearning began, to feel the earth beneath their soles – the pavements too; ouchie paths in the park – and the green grass – frosty grass, muddy grass.

There appears to be no reason for it, except for the joy, the fun, the freedom…

As Anadi and I made our way through Battersea Power Station on Sunday morning we started to overtake a small group of people…

‘Oooh aren’t your feet cold’ one of the men enquired and then continued ‘I’ve never seen anyone running in bare feet’… 

Anadi and I stopped running to chat; we wandered along with them for a while… 

‘She ran from the North to the South of Spain without any shoes’ Anadi said… 

‘And there was snow in the North of Spain in March!’ I laughed…

‘Of course it wouldn’t be odd In Africa – They don’t where shoes at all’ – the man mused, ‘I know, I was born there’, I replied – ‘Where ‘ he asked ‘West Africa’…

‘I lived there too’ he said 

‘It’s where it all began’ I replied….’I just love it – there’s no reason…’

When we do things for no reason at all, we are brought more immediately to the present moment, to the experience – walking bare foot lends itself to staying in each step… Being aware of each footfall. Noticing, feeling, touching being where my feet are.

The body can only be in the present moment.

The mind can skitter and scatter back and forth, a forgotten past, held onto, searched for, held and often relived again and again… A future point dreamed of or dreaded, by the mind… a persona created by an identification with thoughts…

But the body, is here and now. It can’t be anywhere else.

And so breathing in, we are here, now, experiencing the joy and vitality and the possibilities in this moment – and our feet as they touch the ground, there is only one step they can ever be in before they take another and another to arrive wherever they might be going

No where.

All our steps lead us nowhere at all, and everywhere – inwards to experience our true nature – and outwards in the experience of our unique energy with its powerful potential to shine bright and clear – often obstructed by the tensions and fears of the very thoughts themselves; or an attachment to an outcome that might never arrive, or give us what we hoped for once we have it in our grasp.

Journeying to a destination, a goal a new vision can be such fun, especially when we stay were we are, right here in the present moment.

Because everything goes in the end; except for our unchanging nature that was never born and will never die.

So the transitory things of life, are best enjoyed now, in this very moment.

Like walking in the park, every step precious; or stretching for excellence – for the pinnacle of success in our chosen field; here and now it is perfect – as we journey.

I met a musician once at Heathrow airport – about 15 years ago –  I was returning from the grand cayman and our luggage was lost – somewhere – I met the musician and a young woman at the luggage belt.

We waited together for three hours and became friends in that time, who have never seen one another again…

He had played as a professional musician all his life… He talked about how each event he practised for was a lifetime in itself… Each note he played, each day he practised, each concert he performed at was his favourite; was his whole life and then it was gone.

I recognised he was living what I knew to be true.

Each precious moment a note to be played, a step to be trodden, a breath to be taken.

Leading nowhere – and everywhere

And so I have taken my shoes off again and I am letting the steps take me where they will; becoming running, in the barefoot steps of freedom and fun… 

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Dear Diary; Weeping Willow

I loved drawing and painting as a child, as many of us did… My friend Wends and I would plan ‘painting days’ during the holidays

I loved creating for my O level art and A level too…

On leaving school I worked for my running coach in the health and fitness business… I was on the verge of becoming an international athlete and so working for him seemed a way to support this journey…

I painted murals all over the walls of his gym

Athletes in motion from all different sports.

We moved a new property

It was huge!

Vast expanse of white walls my new canvasses –  more figures appeared, leaping jumping running throwing  – Lifesize – I loved creating these figures…

And then came my last piece.

A willow tree

It covered a whole wall in the relaxation area of the centre.

I cried all day one day, as I painted this willow, weeping with me.

My heart had broken, and as I cried and painted I promised myself that never ever ever would I let this happen to me ever again… Never again ‘would someone do this to me…’

It took me many years to heal the hurt within and open from the inside out

To stop looking outside for the healing or for more hurting.

I knew the inner journey was the route

But I still had to journey the journey in the so called outer realms and discover the long way round…

I had to live and learn through my own experiences, my own mistakes, my own life 

The cry the tears that lead to healing the hurt…

Another thing happened that day, when I finished weeping and the willow was etched on the wall – I stopped doing any art.

And I never ever started again.

Until now.

Whenever I work with on the phone ( rather than a video call)  I have always doodled… Recently the doodles have become more and more colourful and expansive.

I showed my client what had emerged during our conversation… ‘Why don’t you do those in a book’? She suggested

And so now I have my art book ! 

Full of colourful abstract pictures – it looks a little bit like my O level art…

But now, there is no reason at all, other than the joy of expression, the vitality of life  

Creativity

Us in motion

On the canvass of life

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Dear Diary; Part of History

My sister Rosy was having a clear out

She got stopped in her tracks by a photo album of us when we were little

She sent me photos of the two of us with our mother and father – a couple of us out walking on the Jurassic coast near Golden Cap, one of us feeding the pigeons at Trafalgar Square… Me as a baby, sitting between my parents on the beach in Freetown West Africa where I was born.

Images of who we once were

Another life

So many lives lived even in one lifetime

A day later Anadi and I were on one of our Sunday adventures and I suggested a different route to usual… We were in St James park… ‘Let’s go along to the embankment’

Suddenly we found ourselves in Birdcage Walk right outside ‘The Institution of Civil Engineers”

‘Oh Wow’! I exclaimed…’This is where Daddy worked! He was the director of training and Education – he used to sometimes bring us here when we were little…’

I haven’t been to that  building for years and years and years – and then just ‘by chance’ I brought Anadi and I here on our run about, the day after I’d been looking at photos of that era…

The energetic play out of life is magical… No coincidences; energy vibrating and resonating and playing out on our own stage 

Bringing old photos to life

And so we ran on to Trafalgar Square too; where Rosy and I fed the pigeons

It never happened

Now 

And it’s all happening 

Now

And if we close eyes it all disappears and there is no thing at all

Just the Silence 

The stillness

Deep within our Being 

The eternal unchanging aspect, always there, even as the scenes of life come and go

The people are born and then die

The photos become faded and yellow – in the end no one at all will know who the two little girls with the pigeons all about them are or were…

All gone

I showed the pigeon photo to my young twenty something client  – I had just received them when she arrived for a session

‘Oh wow, black and white’ she commented…

‘Yes, I’m part of history’ I laughed…

Part of an era that is no more

I don’t exist then, any more

Now

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Dear Diary; Our Unchanging Nature

I love cleaning my flat

I love the ritual

I love the way it looks afterwards ( not that much different really!)

But it has a spick and span feel

A happy flat feel

It’s a quiet time

An on my own time

A simple time, easy rhythms

A cleaning meditation.

As I write I am reminded of Andrés… In another life, ‘this time last year’ – I had an office in Piccadilly.

I used to run to and from work… Having trodden the world as a nomad for six years with all I could carry in a rucksack on my back – on landing in London, I soon realised that a daily commute on the tube would be ‘vexatious to my spirit’ – and so I took to the open roads – my legs my means of transport.

Four miles there and four miles back – I often ran /walked, because sometimes when I emerged into the street later in the evening, the thought of the tube was almost more appealing – but I would walk up the road and then find myself trotting and then I was home…

To often meet Anadi ( the boyfriend/husband) for a drink in the pub next door

In this other life this time last year…

And because I often worked quite late, seeing clients in the evening, I was the last person in the building except for Andrés… A young man boy who was cleaning the offices and communal areas…

I would find him emptying bins, washing up all the used plates and cups that had been piled high – right underneath the polite notice that requested everything used be washed up.

Andrés was from Argentina and I soon discovered spoke only a very few words of English.

I looked forward to seeing Andrés before I left, I’d stay awhile and learn about him – and practise my Spanish too…

And then came that day at the end of March 2020 to collect my coffee machine – and head for home…

I didn’t know then that I wouldn’t go back to work there

That I would only return to collect my throws and my books

But I left Andrés a card of thanks anyway, and popped £10 inside

When I returned to collect the throws and books a couple of months later, the card was gone, and I found a piece of paper in its place

‘Gracias Julia’ 

Until I started to write today, I hadn’t  thought of Andrés since

He is gone

I am gone

Its like we never existed to the other

Everything goes

Nothing stays

Except our unchanging nature

From whence we were all born

And so each encounter, each experience is vital to our existence, to the meaning of our existence

To being human – on this spiritual journey – every encounter an opportunity to encounter love looking back at us from another human being.

And each encounter that might hold a sting in its tail, pain and heartbreak is a chance to see where we have cut that love off from inside us

And slowly and surely we can shed everything preventing us from experiencing who we truly are.

And so Andrés and I touched each others lives for just eight short weeks

My office was moved from Covent Garden to Piccadilly on January 26th and I left there on March 20th

But we saw ourselves in each other’s eyes and although I had completely forgotten about him until now

His soul and mine danced together briefly then and that energy stays forever 

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Dear Diary; I am where I am

Julia Chi Taylor - Bodhisattva Conversations

A new coffee shop has opened boasting delicious cakes and pastries, ginger shots lime and turmeric too – and of course amazing coffee – an artist for a barista drawing beautiful scenes on the top of our magical brews

It is situated right on the corner between my home and Anadi home and so we met to sit for half an hour in the midst of our working day – and chat and drink more coffee…

I had a blueberry and banana muffin to go with my brew – I’d brought along two big pashmina scarfs to keep us warm – and there we were…

The hum of the traffic our constant coffee shop background music was broken by the sudden shrill sound of an ambulance in a rush; a police car in front, navigated its way through the traffic and a red light – slowing the traffic for the ambulance to tear on through… 

‘I am a city girl now – in this now, that’s what I am’… I realised in that instant on a bench wrapped up, drinking coffee with my best friend, boyfriend, husband….

I had always thought I was a sea dweller… But it seems that the sound of traffic will do just as well as the sound of the crashing waves.

I am where I am. And it’s okay…

This phrase is a useful one always to remember to say wherever we are and whatever is going on in our world – if we are in the middle of a divorce or a redundancy or grieving over a loved one, or in the midst of a changed pandemic world…

To be able to stop and breathe in, and say those words, can help to process it all and allow us to come back to the very centre of our being where all is eternal 

Where the is no beginning and no end

No death, only life eternal 

And to be where we are

Here and Now.

I am where I am

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Dear Diary; Becoming…

On Saturday Anadi and I were on one of our long long wander walk about through the parks of London Town.

This is where we walk and talk (and run too ) – on the concrete paths and the springy, muddy, dry as a bone frosty grass – all weekend long… The skies alternate between bright blue, sunshine gleaming to heavy grey blue black, with the potential for rain to cascade

We join with the other people of the park who love to walk and talk and wander too – in this sparkling bright jewel of a land right in the middle of the capital City, with magnificent trees rising tall and strong and true to their own direction – roots spreading unseen mirroring their beautiful branches where the  parakeets swoop, ducks and geese and swans lend their opinion to the air…

Squirrels scampering

Free.

As we are meant to be…

And so we celebrated the elements and the expanse of grassy green parkland… We circled the animals and the birds, the ducks and geese and joined in with their dance of life…

Along tree lined paths we wandered and then we found ourselves beside the Serpentine Lake – the wide road and pathway was alive with other walkers, folk on skateboards, children on bikes…

And then the Birman appeared

He was walking very slowly and the birds were flying all about him, landing on his head and his shoulders – sometimes taking seeds from his hands.

His presence emanated ease, in his own world, his pace was so different to all the activity about him.

He looked to be in each step more zen; and the birds felt this too and flocked to him

Anadi and I watched him and his friends the birds.

He then walked to the waters’ edge and three herons immediately flew to him – he fed them sardines from a tin, using chop sticks to hand the fish to the birds

‘They know him’ I said ‘You can see that they know him’

As he moved back from the side of the lake I said to him ‘They know you’

‘Yes’, he said, ‘what started as an experiment has grown into a regular outing. And even when they migrate, they have recognised me when they come back’

‘Birds have great memories’ he continued, ‘the phrase” bird brain” is very maligned’

‘Do you live around here’… he then asked

‘Yes, Chelsea – we like walking about’… 

‘I like walking too’, he said … ‘I once walked from London to Brighton to buy a stick of Brighton rock’! 

We talked about his route, how long it too and the joy of just heading out and walking…

‘I once ran cross country from London to Brighton’, I offered… ‘It rained the whole day’!

Kindred spirits

We went on our way and as we glanced back the birds were gathering around him again

And on we went

The walking taking us were it would

Becoming walking

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Dear Diary; Where do you go to…?

On Saturday afternoon at four o’ clock Anadi arrived at my flat for our ‘Saturday morning walk’… Later than usual because I had been working all day.

We set off in the hint of spring daylight and made our way to our usual haunt, the Duke of York Square, where we sat on the ground, close to the roof of a restaurant, under cover from the sudden large and unexpected drops of rain… 

Wrapping our hands round the warmth of our steaming cups of coffee, we sat together exchanging news of the last two days… We hadn’t met since Friday morning to chant the Gayatri Mantra, and now the past two days were disappearing and still occurring in the moment that we shared.

Our conversation weaved and twisted in the space between us, and somehow took us to Juan le Pins… But we couldn’t remember the name! ‘It’s in that song’ I said… ‘Where do you go to my lovely…’

And so we looked up the song lyrics to find out the name of the place we were trying to remember…

And then we started to sing, sitting on the ground, huddled together on a freezing cold – late January – late afternoon… We sang the whole song – people passed by giving the couple sitting singing – with gusto – a cursory glance…

‘I’d like to busk someday’, I mused as we reached the final line…

‘Then we shall do it’ Anadi said… ‘I’ll get a guitar again, and we shall do it…’

‘I’d love that’ I said ‘What fun’…. 

I grew up singing along to  ‘Where do you go to my lovely’

“But where do you go to, my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed?
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head, yes, I do”

Some years ago I ran the Nice to Cannes Marathon and as the race swept through Juan le Pins at just over half way through the 26.2, I’d found myself singing the song out loud – it was a downhill stretch!

And where do we all go when we’re alone in our beds…? 

Who knows? And who knows us; no one if we don’t know our self…

True intimacy is being willing to share ourselves, openly, honestly. To be our selves…

To do this we must be willing to stay present to ourselves; to breathe in and experience the stillness, the silence between each breath and experience our essence.

And then no words are needed. Words are limited in their ability to communicate our truth.

We are in every moment, we are here and there and everywhere.

We are. 

And if sharing ourselves leads us to want to sing in the street, just for the fun of it or dance and play and be free to express in any way we wish – then the world will enjoy the vibration as it shimmers and glitters and sparkles with the essence of our individual unique spark of life…. 

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Dear Diary; Shining Our Light in The World

Anadi (my husband who lives round the corner from me) spent last week in Los Angeles –  well virtually – but it still meant his days didn’t end til the conference ended in LA  – and so we didn’t see much of each other… Especially as his calf is sore and so I also temporarily have lost my running partner! 

But on one of the days we met for a coffee for half an hour, and on Friday he came to chant the Gayatri mantra with me for the Bodhisattva group

We loved it – we both felt we could have chanted for ever… 

I often introduce the chanting meditation by saying how wonderful chanting is – that is helps us to still our body and our mind – that it allows us to connect to the silence within us; our true nature…

It helps us to clear our energetic system and reminds us that we are all born of pure love, pure consciousness and through our unique vibration it is possible to experience ourselves in the world… 

Everything is but an experience and the more we become aware of this and stop believing the vagaries of the mind – we can over time let go of the pain, the darkness, the patterns that play out and block the memory of who we are .

The Gayatri mantra reminds us of the unity of everything, and the multiplicity; and through chanting of it our energy field illuminates and we can shine our own light bright from within. 

If we look around us and feel despair at what we see in the world, and we have no idea how to contribute to change, to transformation and healing in society – we must first look within.

The real difference we make in the world is through shining our own light – experiencing who we truly are – living our ordinary lives in this extraordinary way…

Clearing the way towards liberation has been a lifetime’s practise for me.

Lifetimes and lifetimes – of karma 

I understood about ‘clearing’ at a very young age, perhaps just seven years.

I can review the scene and see the child now…

She is sitting in the wooden slippy pew – vast to her then – with the soft robust hassock under her feet, worn into a nice kneeling bed with much use… It served as a perfect foot rest for the little girl.

She is sitting half listening to the preacher. The church has a musty smell, wafts of the scent from the greenery in generous vases of flowers arranged by the wives of the churchwardens, mingle in.

As his voice rises and falls, she is watching the dust float up in the sunlight that is beaming through stained glass on this particularly sunny Sunday morning…

He has been speaking for a long time; she is letting many of the words float beyond her absorption, over her head and away, when suddenly something he is saying starts to speak to her; deep within her being, her belly, her very soul… He is explaining the circle of birth, life, death and rebirth, and the symbolism of the serpent with the tail in its mouth. He is talking of cleansing from our sins, of eternal life…

Suddenly she becomes aware of this cycle, in a visceral way – round and round and round… Lifetimes and lifetimes of karma and she understands… How to return to the place of pure love, freedom, the godly state within…

And she understands she has work to do.

The preacher is saying that we must clear our own darkness from within to remember who we truly are.

The young girl understands

Nearly fifty five years the words of TS Eliot speak for me

“We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring, Will be to arrive where we started, And know the place for the first time.” 

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Dear Diary; This Moment is Perfect

‘The builders are coming on Saturday morning’ Kate my landlady had messaged… And so I was ready and waiting bright and early – for a Saturday 🙂 when Miguel and Elideo arrived to tile and transform my bathroom floor… 

‘Where are the tiles’? Elideo asked – I ran up the steps and knocked on Kate’s door, ‘They’re asking for the tiles’…

‘But the quote included tiles…’

I ran downstairs to my flat again and relayed the message… Elideo showed me his text to Kate – written in Portuguese style English – explaining the quote didn’t include tiles… I could see how the information had got lost in translation…!

Miguel and Elideo planned their next move, B and Q wasn’t open, Leylands was eight miles away – but google located a Wicks just one mile down the road… I phoned Kate… 

‘They’re going to Wicks to get the tiles…’ 

‘Can we have cream‘ she asked

‘We’d like cream tiles please’ – I relayed to Elideo ‘You’d like grey?’ ‘No cream please’ – I pointed to the wall…

Kate arrived at my flat having had time now to shower and dress…

We’d like cream tiles please…’ she re iterated 

Can need money for tiles please’ Elideo asked….   

Between Anadi Kate, her daughter and me, we gathered together £100 in cash and off he went… 

The day was already unfolding in a fun way… I felt I was in situation comedy, all of us were just playing a part, none of us upset or cross

The Zen of being engaged in each moment.

Anadi and I then headed out to allow the work to commence… We made our way up the Kings Road, bought ourselves some breakfast and settled to enjoy it in the Duke of York Square… We sat on the ground, leaning against a wall with the winter sun on our faces…

And watched the world go by around us…

People sitting in their own sun traps, eating – and drinking coffee; I silently admired the beautifully painted red nails of the young man sitting opposite us with his friend, sharing pastries and chocolate tiffin. The man beside us had brought his deck chair, he sun bathed all wrapped up, coffee in hand with his newspaper was spread out all around him… A small boy learning to ride his bike wobbled precariously by – ‘pedal faster faster’ his mother encouraged…

Life in motion

A teenager lit her cigarette – her friend immediately retorted – ‘Don’t do that! Do you want to live to have husband children a mortgage, and not die at 40, if you do – don’t do that!

I laughed, he whirled around ‘You agree?’ 

‘I’m not laughing at what you’re saying’ I said ‘I’m laughing at the way you told the story’…

‘My accent makes everything better’ he laughed and on they went…

Anadi and I sat longer, enjoying watching this particular play on the stage of life…

I was reminded of the author of ‘The Zen of Running ‘ Fred Rohe’s words…
“The joy you are living while dancing your run. You are not running for some future reward-the real reward is now!”

True of the Zen of living too, ‘The joy you are living while dancing your life… you are not living your life for some future reward, the real reward is now… 

Being fully here and now, without looking to an imaged future where we think will find what we are looking for – brings huge rewards.

Anadi and I continued to wander further afield, through Hyde Park with all the other wanderers with nowhere to go and nothing to do, and eventually we wandered home to see my shiny new bathroom all tiled and beautiful

With grey tiles 🙂

When we are here and now, aware of the still point within each breath, aware of the silence within each of us, our life will always emerge from this place, rich in joyous joy…

Every moment unfolding exactly as it should, whether it brings us grey tiles or cream, knowing that this moment is perfect

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Dear Diary; Know Thyself

And so we living in a New Year… To anyone who will listen I am singing the song by the band ‘The Who’ from their album ‘Tommy’….

‘Got a feeling ‘Twenty one’ is going to be a good year, especially if you and me see it in together’

The story of Tommy is relevant to us all as we journey through the years… Tommy’s life represents our separation from our real self to believing in the illusory self that we show to the world… But this created self can end up becoming our teacher as we strip back the layers to become aware, and know once more who we truly are…

And come to know ourselves

‘Know Thyself’

Our life is a flash in the enormity of existence, and we are a spark of energy that burns here as a physical incarnation for a short while…
But while we are alight, we have the opportunity to burn brightly.
To integrate and burn away all the stuff within us that is preventing us remembering who we truly are.

‘Know thyself…’

My father often said this to us children while we were growing up.
‘Know thyself darling…’

He was the perfect energy for me to stretch my emotional muscles against…

When I was thirty three years old, I was making life choices and behaving in ways that were part of my own discovery, but that didn’t fit his moral code… He asked that I go and see him, because he wanted to talk to me about ‘my morals and my integrity…’
I didn’t go…! Anger had flashed through me as his request – but Instead we talked on the phone for two hours and I shared more of myself and my life with him… 

It was a good conversation, one of the best I had ever had with him…

By now I reckoned that I knew myself better than I believed he knew me…

Three months later I did go to see him.

We lunched together on his birthday and during the course of our time together he said to me…
‘Darling, I think you are finding yourself….’

And so the very person we might think is crushing us, or disapproving of us, or misunderstanding us, can in truth be the very person who offers us the opportunity for growth, to go within and discover who we truly are.

This land is a make believe land, that we are making up as we go.

Our energy is creating our experience, and as we are in a paradigm of polarity… So if there is any dark in the world that we do not like, that affects us and we react to, whether that is in our own immediate circles, or globally, then our responsibility to to seek where this darkness is within us and own it and bring it forth into the light… 

To be whole we must embrace all that we hide in the shadows… Integrate it, and bring it forth, so that transforms rather than destroys.

This applies to our hidden ‘gold’ too… Sometimes we might react to light in the world, because it is within us, but not yet integrated… Our ‘work’ is to be conscious at all times of the importance of owning our own shadow…

It is only when we have owned/cleared our own shadow, both light and dark, that we can truly experience the consciousness from which we are all ‘born’

And know ourselves…

Light and dark are the polarity in the world we inhabit, a place where we can experience our energy because we are in a human body.

In integrating and clearing our energy, we will find our true self… We will discover ourselves in the silence between thought and in the still point in our breath.
We are so much more than anything we might define ourselves by now, whether that be in light or dark terms…

Know thyself