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Dear Diary; Life a Mystery to be Lived

There is a shop on the Kings road that I have been drawn to since living her …

The look of it anyway… I had never been inside; it was always closed when I ran by – morning and night – as I journeyed to and fro to work.

An Aladdin’s cave, a magical mystery tour awaiting me, a treat in store … And then it was shut 

Locked 

Down

A shiny orb – a  crystal ball emanating esoteric energy – sits still in the window… The colours, the vibrancy; crystals clustered… velvet drapes…

Beautiful to me

A world I have always loved…

But today as Anadi and I wandered by, the door was ajar… I peered in.

‘We’re open’, a man called, and so we entered to the experience of delightful be-jewelled joy, the smell of mysticism; books, cards, colourful clothes, silk dresses, striped trews… Hippy bags – I bought one; Joss sticks piled high – ‘Nag Champa and Palo Santo please’ I bought these too… Cards painted – swirling, shape, form, magic…

I spoke to the man who had beckoned us in – admired his ceiling, newly painted purple, yellow, black stripes in between… Anadi chatting to the other.

‘This is a haunt of Eric Clapton, Charlie Watts and Mick Jagger’ he said…

Ahh, kindred spirits – I mused, as we set off once more on our Saturday outing; along the Kings road.

Life unfolding, walking up a road…

Many buildings, with doors to walk through…

Which ones we choose determine the experiences, the lessons, the people we meet.

Other spirits who too have walked through that door; opened the way to new vistas and visions

Experiences to be had.

Many doors, many choices

No wrong way or right

All unfolding exactly as it is

In each moment

“Life is a mystery to be lived not a puzzle to be solved’

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Dear Diary; Life an Adventure

Sunday, shiny sunny beckoned us with his golden glow…

Life an adventure.

Every ordinary moment extraordinary.

While we’re alive, when we live, fully, every ordinary extraordinary moment is shimmering with its own unique energy…

Reflecting our own unique vibration; everything a hologram …

Anadi and I set off running up the Kings road… I padded off, my feet naked, Anadi in his Xero shoes ; out for a Sunday excursion.

I fancied coffee, and – it turned out – a biscuit…! We sat outside the Saatchi gallery, drinking coffee, chatting

Being

Together

My perfect life.

On we ran into Green park, along to Buckingham Palace, awesome in its grandeur and splendour.

A lap of St James Park… Green too, verdant alive.

Pelicans gathered on duck island – I was reminded of the limerick my Dad would recite

‘A wonderful bird is the pelican, his beak can hold more than his belly can

He can hold in his beak, enough food for a week

But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican’.

We ran up the Mall – the first time I’ve done so without having already run nearly 26 miles! Looped our way through Trafalgar Square and back to green Park.

A taxi driver pointed to my feet, slowed down and slid his window down…‘You Zola Budd’ he laughed with incredulity… 

On the Kings road again, we chatted for a while with Donny, he’s been on the streets just over a year, but is ready to get a job, to get back into society again.

He told us he had been angry with everyone and everything… He left everything…Being on the streets has restored him he said – he’s met nice people.

Zola Budd? He questioned glancing at my feet!

Life extraordinary in every ordinary moment… Every person extraordinary unique.

‘I succeed at everything I do’, Donny continued – recounting some of his past experiences in the workforce… ‘I’ve even succeeded at this’ he gestured to the streets and his two bags…

The paths we tread so different, yet the same…

Making our way one step at a time

My new friends in London, all homeless; Donny, Kev and Darren

Some resonance within me reflected in them

And so it is 

All of us a hologram

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Dear Diary; Creativity in motion

Yesterday morning I woke early; I cleaned my flat – in my pants…! 

Then put my running kit on, and by 8am, everything was all sparkly clean and I was all ready to run…

At the moment, I have no running  goals, no races that I am aiming for – But I like to run – for fun, for fitness.

My creative expression…

I stepped out of the door, no real plan in mind – not even a route.

I turned up…

In front of my own blank Saturday morning canvas

I also had no real plan for my ‘Conversations with a Bodhisattva’ group.

Where I intend to show up every day for a year – at least – to see what happens…

With my creative flow…

Where will it go?

Me in motion – my canvas….. The roads, the parks, the globe…

The video camera and the blank blog page…

Even when we are not sure – turn up at the page

Even when we are afraid – turn up at the page

Even when we have nothing to say – turn up at the page

Even when we don’t want to – turn up at the page

Because magic can happen in the act off stepping out of the door, up to the easel, to the kitchen to cook; to the piano to sing…

A space of finding out…

If we want to aim for the stars, run a race, create a home, a meal, a symphony, a song, pass an exam, change the shape of our body, learn a language 

We need to turn up…

And in turning up, we can explore what it is we might want… Investigate it more deeply, open the door to our dreams…

And while we are there look for where there are blocks, the incongruencies, the hold ups…

We want to start the day running – but we love to lie in bed

We want to be slimmer, but we so love to eat

We want to pass an exam, but prefer to meet friends than revise…

All of this must be brought from the shadows, into the light

In the light we can we work it all out; integrate it and we are set free

To plan the next stage… 
How do we do this dream? What do we need…?

To reach for our own star….

The plan unfolds… The journey has begun; we must give ourselves time – and relax in each step

Remember to breathe – and find the silence in the breath, stay in each step as we make our way to our goal….

Turn up each day with or without a spring in our step – a space in our heart to find out; to unravel; to turn this way and that …

To discover things we never knew about ourselves, about life, about others.

To uncover latent talents, inner strengths.

To learn new skills..

As our creativity flows…. And then the goal – whether we reach it or not – has served its purpose…

Our creativity spilling out

Us in motion each day

The blank canvas alive – with our energy and light.

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Dear Diary; Nowhere To Get To, Nowhere To Go

These past few weeks have felt like my life in the 70’s…

Lots of wandering about with my best friend.

No where to get to; nowhere to go… No real urgency or rush 

An enjoyment of being.

With a true friend… My ease in self mirrored back there .

I met Wends in nursery school – we were four years old –  and as the years went by and we were ‘let out’ alone, we started wandering about the village, back and forth to one another’s homes.

Spending some time together in one house – and then back again to the other – stopping to sit on the bench that encircled the huge old chestnut tree in the middle of the village. 

Talking and wandering, just being together – completely happy in one another’s company… Sufficient unto each other… And then back we would wander to the home of the other..

Hours spent chatting in our bedrooms, or just quietly lying about reading books…

Painting and drawing – writing stories…

Or planning our lives…

Envisioning what they would look like…

(nb, Wends life has turned out pretty much as she dreamed into being at age eight years – mine nothing like!!) 

And as the years went by we simply wandered further afield, caught buses and trains to meander about in other towns – supposedly on shopping trips that were in reality extensions of an opportunity to talk and just be together…

I learnt to drive the moment I was seventeen – and then we travelled even greater distances; down to Bude for a week once; where we did the same thing…

Wandered about the town, the beach; walking and talking and just being together…

And now, these past few weeks, Anadi and I are doing the same… 

When we’re not working – we wander about. 

Into the park, along the river; up the Kings road…

Walking and talking, just being together.

There is no need for entertainment of any sort… 

It reminds me of the past….

That is existing now; there isn’t any difference to the essence of us all.

Without any distractions we can know our self; enjoy our self.

Be our own true friend to our self… With another mirroring this back

Or alone

Wandering about… It’s what we’re all doing.

Experiencing a life.

Nowhere to get to

Nowhere to go

Being

Here

Now

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Dear Diary; Let Me Become

Let love and light shine from my heart
And as I run
Let me become
More me
More free
So that others can see it
And find it for themselves.

This was a prayer I wrote to myself many years ago; a poem of my dream; my wish to run free. 

The me below that me, ran to express; to paint the picture of my soul in each step

I knew that the only thing that mattered to me was to clear the pain, the places where I had separated from my self – from me; the true me – below the me that identified with being a fast runner, who sought the love and approval ‘out there’, through the chimera of success

To express freedom
To express love
Joy
Fun

I knew that all that mattered was to keep ‘wiping the mirror until there was no mirror to wipe’.

So that freedom and joy were in every running step.

I also knew that where I was trapped in the cycle of attachment to outcome; to the chimera of winning being important.

I knew this meant that I was not clear of the treadmill I was on.

There was more wiping of the mirror to be done.

I also knew that my running journey shone a light for me on the path ahead, and reflected straight back onto me…

This light guided me to the next step and the next… The joyous expression of my soul in motion; but it shone right onto my pain too.

My running step was both my salvation and my nemesis.

And many years later, I read this poem now; this prayer to the future me.

And I find the future me is here.

She runs, her feet bare, each step an adventure (if sometimes an ouchie one! )

I am more me
I am more free
I have become
As I run.

.

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Dear Diary; The Universe is Within

The universe is within not without

The reflection you see is you, your inner energy, your inner tapestry, your lifetimes of craftwork

There you are on the outside – so look within.

There are no messages from the outside, they are within – and there you see them in front of you …

Take note of your own messages to you, your own weaving work; it is all you.

This is certain

And so be still

Be silent 

Stop and listen to the beating of your heart, the voice within.

Your unconscious mind so often in charge, repeating its programming again and again

Stop – stand still – witness and be aware.

What is occurring?

It’s all to do with you

And if you are silent, still – there is space, there is peace, there is all the time in the world to remember who you truly are…

Infinite awareness.

You are not your mind, conscious or unconscious…

Or this body that walks and talks and lives and breathes.

You are the silence between the breath, infinite awareness, infinite love.

Be still

Know this

And in the silence you become the master of your mind; not it of you.

Be aware in any moment, of the habits the patterns the habitual thoughts… 

Stay silent and witness the abundance the opportunity for you to paint the picture you desire, the fun you’d like to have… 

The experiences here you’d like to enjoy.

You are the master of your body and your mind

It is not the other way round.

The universe and all there is is within you, your infinite nature of love eternal.

And you can experience this

Here and now

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Dear Diary; Flying on Land

Every morning I open the front door and step outside and go running about, along the roads, in the parks, by the side of the river…

I like running about; with no plan, no where to go or reason to be doing it.

When I was young I liked this too – in fact I liked two things a lot… I liked running as fast as I could on grass, racing along – like the wind…

Flying on land…

And I liked going a long way… Setting off on adventures, walking or running for miles, and often getting lost!

Many years years later, I still like these two things a lot… Running as fast as I can on grass, racing along – like the wind – flying on land; and I like going a long way.

I like to journey for the sake of journeying 

I like  going running for the sake of running

I like living life for the sake of living – Life an adventure

Life as an experience – no where to ‘get to’

So much of a life can be spent trying to ‘get there’… To the end of exams, and then to the end of more exams, and then to get a job and then to get a better one… Always trying to ‘get somewhere’ –  and then off again…

Now there is nothing wrong at all with stretching towards a goal, to accomplish something is wonderful.

But more wonderful and fun than trying to arrive – is to be journeying towards the goal in the moment.

Relaxed and free… One step at a time towards the goal, fully present… The Zen of achievement – a sort of oxymoron!

Being on planet earth lends itself to creating a life, sharing our existence and achieving things and creating a reality that we can enjoy.

Creating experiences…

But it is far more fun to fully experience the experiences; to be here and now in whatever we are doing…

Experiencing…

The Zen of exam revision

The Zen of art and music

The Zen of learning a new skill

The Zen of stretching to get fitter stronger

The Zen of making more money

The Zen of building a new home

The Zen of running….

The Zen of life in each moment 

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Dear Diary; Never Never Land

Barefoot on the grass, running running running… Kensington Gardens inviting, summery delight…

Anadi beside me, adventuring, exploring new lands – that we know so well…

The Albert Hall through the branches, majestic, beauty, architectural joy through leafy veil.

Running running, Peter Pan flying to Never never land beside us; his statue forever held in his childhood state; never growing up – we too with him for just that moment…

Our own never land journey in each step, running inwards to the child we were – but the cycle of our life experience has shifted us, shaken us up…

And so now we return to the place of our childhood freedom – but know it more truly; beyond Neverland.

My inner child healed and released to play once more barefoot on the grass… Freedom

Within and so without. 

Never land not never land now…

Not searching and seeking as I once did… For the end of the journey – for the ease to come, the ease in the step, one at a time.

Is here now 

Simply experiencing and playing again like the child on the lawn, in the woods, the playing fields in the village…

No where to get to then, no achievements to be had. Play the only thing… Then.

And now.

Creativity in motion, sharing it with the world; in the barefoot step – in the written and spoken word…

Playfulness, sharing, we are the world – together we make the tapestry for all to see.

Each one of us vital, our vibrant spark of light all that is required

To shine as we are, nothing to do, or get or earn

You are loved for being your self

You do not need to earn love

Stay in the step; my feet are bare.

A woman sitting on a bench called out to us as we ran past…‘What does the grass feel like…?’We stopped and went back to her…

‘It feels wonderful’ I said.

‘I want to do it’ she said’ I am barefoot all the time in my home, but I am wary to take my shoes off here… But I want to…‘Just keep your eyes open’ if you do, I laughed… ‘Keep your eyes open and on each step’…

‘I’m going to do it’ she said ‘Before I go home, I’m taking my shoes off, and I am going to walk in my bare feet just here..’

She pointed to the verdant grassy area just in front of her…

We ran on… Another lady stopped me ‘Are you okay’ she enquired concerned, pointing to my naked feet! ‘Yes yes…’ I replied ‘I’m running bare foot, because I like it’…

She was intrigued, and asked to see the bottom of my feet – we talked for a bit.

‘It’s wonderful’ she said  – ‘Have fun; enjoy your run’ she said…

‘Have fun’…

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Dear Diary; Beyond The Illusion

 Lock down has turned a key within me, that has opened a door which finds me speaking and connecting with many more people!

It all began when my fabulous client Josie encouraged me to hold an online Satsang… 

A ongoing dialogue has opened up from there…

Many questions are being asked; and in many different ways, this one question keeps arising…

Who am I? 

Who am I really?

From the same source; we are all born…. Of consciousness, of infinite love.

Namaste…

This is who we really are… And in the present moment we know who we truly are, when we are silent, and still – there we are, here – now.

But in the moment that we ‘react’ to anything we are immediately in the past.

The old brain, the prehistoric brain is telling us that there is ‘danger danger danger…’  It has been reminded of something way back; way back when we were little… When to survive we adapted our behaviour to keep safe within our family, within our society.

We created a self that fitted in…

So when we react, something has challenged this created self, the hurt self, the ego… 

But none the less…The self you believe yourself to be; the identity which you hold on to tightly; because…

Letting it go feels to be a death…

Oh what irony, to be living asleep, not recognising that who we are is always there, eternal.

Our freedom arises when we

Let go….

Let go of every single shred of attachment to our sense of self, and discover the self that is true…

The I beneath the I

And the we let go is through experiencing everything we feel – and living it fully

Fully feeling and cutting those stories… 

To heal we must feel.

The way to freedom is through our experiences, consciously experiencing them.

Being fully in each moment of everything in our lives, without resistance.

And then we start to shed the layers, peeling them back like an onion skin –  and journeying to the centre of the earth; to the centre of our being.

To discover that consciousness is at the centre and circumference of all things.

So within, so without.

Our outer experiences reflecting our inner state.

If we want to experience a different reality, we must travel inwards and clear all that is blocked or stuck; and recognise the patterns that are looping around; maybe so many times in this life, that eventually you start to see them; recognise their familiar ways…

It is likely that we have been doing the same thing for lifetimes…

And now you are beginning to see…

Once the veils of awareness have been parted, it takes courage to keep them drawn back… To resist any desire to close them again.

Out of fear for a new uncharted future…

And instead, see beyond the illusion – and wake up to who you truly are. 

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Dear Diary; Letting Go of Everything

As we enter the month of May again today, I am reminded of last year…

6.30am May 12th 2019… My 60th birthday, became my re birth day.

Are you ready to die? 

It seemed to me that this question was asked of me that day…. Was May 12th to become my death day too?

Are you ready to leave your body, to leave your mind, to leave everything that you have created here. Your work, your running, your friends, your family….?

Are you ready to leave this life Julia?

It can happen to any of us in in one minute, one second. That our life is done. 

We are transient beings experiencing an incarnation; here to do whatever we do.

It won’t be any other way

Our karma playing out, lifetime after lifetime, our energy creating and re creating…

And so often we forget we are born of consciousness until we remember…. A spark of light opens in our being, and we remember who we truly are, even if only for one flash

Often then we forget again – close the curtains of awareness and sink back into what we knew… With no thoughts of our eternal spirit .

I woke up at 6.30am – exactly twelve hours short of the hour of my birth, sixty years previously.

‘Something is really wrong with my body’ I said to Anadi; everything was spinning at great velocity and I felt very sick…. I wanted to get to the bathroom… Anadi helped me  weave my way there; and then I slithered to the floor.

On collapsing I left my body. My spirit flew. I was off, and fully conscious of the flight I was making. Into the vast silence. I was without mind or body, but I was aware and alive. There was complete silence.

Freedom. I had let go of everything I knew about my self on planet earth – even my body. 

But I was still aware…And I was zooming at great velocity in the expansive space towards a dot ahead of me in the distance….

I had let go of everything.

Anadi thought that I was dying. He started to prepare himself…I had breathed out in a strange way, and my body ran with more sweat that he had ever seen a body pour…

He went back into the bedroom and called for help…When he returned, he knelt beside me and called the name he calls me, over and over…

‘Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful….’

Eventually I  heard him calling and I came back into my body.

‘I’ve been somewhere’ I said… ‘Wouldn’t it have been symmetrical to die on my birthday’!

But I didn’t die on my 60th birthday

Instead I was re born. 

I lay on the bathroom floor, at the beginning of my new life.

I couldn’t move… After two hours on the floor, Michael and Emily the ambulance team were able to stretcher me out to a waiting ambulance.

No one knows what happened that day. Why my body fell to the floor… Vertigo and a virus perhaps in medical terms?

But my spirit took the chance to fly free. To show me the way

To demonstrate what I knew all along; had been working with all my life…

That we are not who we perceive ourselves to be; we are not our mind or our body.

We are infinite awareness, consciousness…

We are spiritual beings on a human journey

Born of infinite love