Category: Diary of a Bodhisattva

We are awareness, pure awareness – pure consciousness – experiencing a brief period here.

The human journey is but a flash, a flash in the vastness of our eternal nature…

If we remember at all times that we are pure awareness: if we remember that love is all there is and anything else at all is but an illusion – we will not feel fear.

And, we would not be available to be controlled or manipulated or herded like sheep.

But

When we identify with who we think we are: our name, our identity our job our beliefs our culture… When we identify with our ego, then we are putty in the hands of anyone who wants to threaten our survival…

But 

When we know we are consciousness, then there is no fear…

For there is no death.

There is no fight for survival, there is only an awareness of love and infinite space. 

The only requirement of the spiritual warrior of light, is that they stay centred at all times.

That they settle any inner wobble immediately and return to the moment.

Totality

There is only now, this moment, and we must live it fully.

There never were any gyms, restaurants cafes – they never existed.

Not in this moment.

Now… Which is all there is…

Our experience is a reflection of our inner state, and when we identify with our identity rather than with consciousness – then we are available for manipulations, and susceptible to act from fear and panic rather than from truth and pure love.

And

Safety is within us….

The only safety is the silence within

Our eternal nature – which is always still, it is always quiet and it is always silent.

Pure love…

This is what will heal the world.

The other day, I remembered that when I originally started running about without my shoes on I thought that it would be fun to run along beaches all over the world in bare feet…

I even announced that this was what I would be doing; and that I would be vlogging and blogging about it!

But that didn’t happen at all!

Instead – I ran across Spain… 

How ever did that happen?

I used to say to anyone that asked me – and they often asked with slight or extreme incredulity –  that my feet made the decision, that it was nothing to do with me.

In many ways this was true… 

When we learn to be still, to silence the mind and remain in that silent space, moment by moment… Then life unfolds from that space.

It rolls out in front of us, from the inside out.

The mind has the potential to be incredibly creative when we are silent and we learn to be its master and not the other way round…

But when we have forgotten our silence, and instead have let the noisy mind take over our lives… It plans and thinks relentlessly… It analyses and worries and goes over and over things – it creates and re creates stories

It’s what the mind does.

And so to be silent takes lots of practice, and more practice.

To become the master of the mind, and simply to use it from the silence, to create from silence rather than fear…

To breathe in and find the silence in the breath, to stay there and know that this is the essence of us; who we truly are.

We are all born from the silence 

It is the essence of every one of us.

To breathe out and find the silence at the bottom of the breath.

And then all manner of things unfold that we might never have previously thought…

One minute I was a nomad, owning nothing more than I could carry in my hand luggage; the next I am living in a flat in Chelsea and working from an office in Piccadilly…

I still don’t own much..

More books..

I own more books, but not much else. 

And I sometimes wonder what plans my feet may have… 

From the silence within…

Treading paths once trodden – the story of our lives within our life…

Returning to places we have lived in, visited, loved before. The same place, but perhaps we are with different people now – or with the same people who now also carry the experience of the years gone, in their being…

And a long time ago, we were all a different version of ourselves – living, breathing, eating sleeping, laughing, crying – getting up with the sun, and going to bed after a day – lived as well as we could.

Each day we live it as well as we can.

Every day of our life we could not have done the day different – or we would have.

When mistakes are made and things go awry, we might cry… ‘If only…’

But it could not have been any other way; or it would have been.

All change comes from within… ‘So within, so without…’

This weekend Anadi and I spent a fabulous wedding anniversary weekend away… I have a tendency to extend celebrations!
A musical last Saturday – Tea at the Ritz on Monday – and a grand finale of a weekend away…

We stayed in a hotel that I last visited twenty four years ago, when I was a different me.

While Anadi and I were there, I had occasional flashes of the layout, brief recognitions in nooks and corners of the building – the feel of the place – and a sense of time everlasting; but only now, in this moment; having passed in a way that almost feels that my past life never happened.

It is but a memory like a book I read a long time ago, a film I saw… Not really anything to do with the person I am now.

All change comes from shifting the energy that is blocked, stuck, hurt, vibrating with low frequency – from within us…

When we witness that we are stuck in any cycles and patterns that don’t serve us – only when we notice this, and commit to shift it from within – do we find that the cycles cease and something else happens…

Often in the same place, even with the same people…

But everything is different.

Outside he sits each day…

I run past  him on my homeward bound commute – I see his notice written on a scrap of cardboard, ‘I’m hungry’ it reads… 

Even in this increasingly cashless world we now inhabit, he seems to get some change…

Now and then… From me too, now and then…

The doorman stands on his step, guarding the entrance to the sumptuous interior of the Ritz Hotel…

A glorious calm, perfectly created beauty, long smooth pillars – expansive tall and graceful flowers, lilies -pink and white – shiny huge mirrors, soft carpets – elegant guests arriving to take afternoon tea…

The soft sound of a piano  plays songs we know, recognise, reminding us of times in our lives gone by…

Anadi and I were very hungry;  a hunger created by not eating much in the day – not born of not having any food.

The yin and yang; this universe in perfect balance of dark and light, sadness and joy, love and hate

Famine and plenty…

And so what must be done?

Know both the dark and the light, the sadness and joy, the love – the hate.

Feel it, know it, clear it 

And so experience the place beyond this duality.

The silence.

This place beyond the famine and the plenty.

We change the world by being conscious…

We change the world by being present; by living in each moment and fully experiencing every single one of them.

Fully, not hiding from ourselves.

We do not know the path another treads…

I know not the way of the man who sits each day outside the Ritz.

He knows not mine who yesterday sat within the Ritz to celebrate six wonderful years of marriage to Anadi…

We know not our karma, what connects he and I,  who each day tread this same street together in this time called 2020…

When might our paths have crossed before?

We all have the opportunity to know who we truly are; if we stop and live each moment; experience every single thing within us; take full responsibility – and ultimately go beyond the duality of the mind…

Who knows which path is harder to discover the truth; those who have plenty or those who do not…?

Who knows what pain each might feel, and know ?

Who knows which path might lead to growth?

Or neither for now…. 

We all have the opportunity to know who we truly are; if we stop and live each moment and go beyond the duality of the mind…

When we know both the dark and the light; and find our way to the silence within…

Then our true light can shine for all the world to see.

The sun is glinting through trees, houses, trees, houses, tall buildings, stations where we don’t stop, flashing by, sun glinting, light flashing through; sky bright blue on this February day that will never ever happen again, and it has already happened and it has never happened at all.

We’re making it all up as we go along from the core of our being, the reflection of all we see is us, reflected back in this glorious scene called life.

Its all upside down, this day that I am just beginning, is closing now for my beautiful Chinese dragon niece, Jess,  metal chines dragon no less – the highest order there is.

She is in Japan and so as I write on this sunny bright Wednesday morning, the day is nearly done for her – her evening stretching in front of her..

When Jess landed briefly in London at the end of last year, we started to talk about all the rituals and rhythms that reflect us… And how we can investigate them, to deeper and deeper discover who we are, our make up, our energy…To understand the life we have come to lead, the energy we have come to bring from the shadows, to integrate and clear and so set us free to be…

And so with both the New year as we know it approaching, and the Chinese new year following swiftly behind it – Jess, Anadi and I looked up all our Chinese signs and discovered that my  beautiful niece is a Chinese dragon… And a Metal Chinese dragon, the most powerful of all the signs…

When we know these things, it can help us discover aspects of our self that we might have hidden or lost or disowned through the rough and tumble of life…

Life an opportunity to feel and heal, to see and understand, and so free ourselves to know who we truly are and live from this place… Limitless expression… Freedom!

So today has already been a wonderful day…

I woke at 6am, and at 6.30am, as planned, Jess and I spoke to one another  on WhatsApp video – across all those miles and hours of time difference, we were in one another flats! The miracle of this Star Trek world we live in… 

Her scene all snowy white in the afternoon light – and my day yet to dawn!

When we finished chatting, it was nearly 5pm for her and I set of for an 8am morning spin around Battersea Park… I encountered a mixture of seasons, biting cold winter weather, wrapped up runners and walkers, with spring blossoms white promise on some of the trees; yellow crocuses pushing courageously through on their journey to bring in their full bright expression of joy..

It takes courage, for all of us to push through the adversity we all encounter at times on our life journey, to bring in our full bright expression – and the crocus and snowdrops, so fragile and light, yet so strong are like us all…

Being aware off our sensitivity and strength – all at once – can helps us to be real, to feel – and to keep growing and trusting when things feel too hard… As Antonio Machado reminds us in my favourite Spanish poem…  ‘Caminante no hay camino – Se hace camino al andar…’

‘Walker there is no path, we make the path by walking…’

It takes courage to keep walking when we don’t know the way; but when we dare to trust, we can stay in the step, and know that the next will take care of itself – and so we make our path, we make our way by walking it….

Celebrating and validating our differences leads to connection; both in relating individually or in groups; families, working environments, teams, villages, town and cities – whole countries and cultures…

Understanding one another, allows us to truly relate… 

Fundamentally this comes from understanding ourselves…Being prepared to recognise that anything that triggers us – irritates upsets, throws out is all to do with us.

When we live from this position, then the space between us, and the other remains safe and clear.

If every time we feel something inside us, that means we want to ‘fight of fly’ – then by pressing pause and staying present – here and now – we can clear that energy within us and not project it onto the other…

The mist can clear and we find ourselves at ease again, and in a position to truly listen, validate empathise and understand the persons who is communicating with us.

We can see and hear them in the present

We can validate their different position, different ideas and perspective on something.

This takes practise of course, 24/7 practise…

But, it leads to a far deeper connection than hoping everyone will ‘be like us’.

Last night, Anadi told me that he loves working late into the night, not always, but often – when he is programming on his computer. He says his brain works best this way – to go to bed late having worked late and to get up late.

I prefer to go to bed early and get up early… I like to do most of my exercising early – my body works best this way.

Anadi and I met in 2012 and got married in February 2014 – almost exactly six years ago now.

In our very first conversation – which was on the phone to set up a time for Anadi to interview me on my running as a meditation – we shared our different ways of living.

The Owl and the Lark!

We felt the connection with one another in that first conversation, and soon we were relating more deeply… From the outset we committed to a conscious relationship…

By this we meant one where we were both fully committed to our own process; that we wouldn’t project anything that arose within us, which needed to be ‘worked out’, onto the other.

We committed that we would own our own process always, whilst supporting the other in theirs…

We spoke early on about living separately – but always deepening the relating..

However instead of living separately we set off as nomads in December 2013 and for four years were together the whole time, often living in a small room somewhere across the seas, where we knew no one but each other…

I went to bed later and Anadi got up earlier!

We grew closer and closer as we navigated and validated our differences and worked through every single thing that arose… Not a stone was left unturned…

In 2018 it became obvious that Anadi needed to be in London more for his business and I in Spain – to run across it! ( in bare feet!) 

My heart wrenched as we parted at Gatwick – but I knew this too was to be worked through…

During that year we only saw on another for a few weekends – about once a month…But we continued to grow closer as we communicated across 2000 miles. ..The essence of our relating being our own commitment to clearing and consciousness…

Fast forward to this year – 2020

We are both living and working in London… 

We are living in separate flats two minutes around the corner from one another…Anadi goes to bed in the early hours and I get up in the early hours!

Except when we have sleep overs of course…

Then the owl influences the Lark and the Lark the Owl!

My new office is a perfect commute distance… Exactly four miles door to door.

It takes just as long to travel by public transport as to run.

And so, having organised myself with all that is necessary here, to make sure I am ‘clean for my clients’, I have been running to work and running back again.

I keep getting confused in the underpass at Hyde park corner…The young guy who lives there has been helpfully directing me… ‘No miss that way for Hyde Park’… And the other day, he called after me ‘Miss you want Hyde Park… And this morning ‘That way for Green Park Miss…’

You wouldn’t think it was that difficult!

It feels like a space of no time. 

Emerging onto the street in the morning, and finding myself propelled along the King’s road, through Hyde Park, into Green Park and then I see Eros welcoming me from on high.

And the same for my return journey…Padding along in the dark, weaving my way through all the people on the streets.

In my own space.

A meditation on the move amongst the bustle and noise and activity of Central London Streets.

Where I am all alone, silent, just me alone with everyone else…

All one

I like being alone in a crowd of humans

All one

Together moving through the busy streets, and winter tree lined parks of London. I like being alone with people all around, together with each other, alone…

All one.

All of us born of the same consciousness.

Silence.

Teeming with all there is, unrealised creativity, waiting to manifest into whatever hasn’t been yet realised… Limitless possibility arising from the silence within

All one

And I am all alone, following the stops on the tube.

Journeying home

Piccadilly – Green Park – Hyde Park corner – Knightsbridge… And back the way I came, along the King’s road

In joyous celebration of a moving meditation

Letting the running take me where it will

Becoming running…

As I run along alone in a crowd of humans.  

I like it at Piccadilly Circus – it’s rather ‘like Piccadilly Circus’!

There is much activity, much to ing and fro ing… Lots of animation – people meeting people; and chatting away over coffees and food… Sitting at desks, around tables…Planning things, exploring things, en visioning things..

Creativity in motion all around me at Piccadilly Circus.

Yesterday I was sitting in a cafe – (now there’s a surprise) – and six young men appeared for their lunch… They told me that they are working on a big building project nearby; they are the electricians there, and they came in freezing cold… 

‘I wish I could put my toes in my coffee to warm them up’ one announced… He then turned to me and told me that he is doing a B tech in psychology… that he wants to change his life

‘What do you do…?’ He asked me.

After listening to me attempt to say what I do… (43 years of doing it hasn’t left me any more articulate in explaining it; my clients call it all different things and say that the best thing is to experience it….)

How did you get into that? He asked…‘Do you want the long answer’…I laughed ‘Or the Julia’s career path reduced’?

And so it came to pass that I spent an hour chatting to the three who were sitting nearest to me – about my life and how it lead me here – and theirs too.

As they came to leave they all shook my hand – the one I was sitting next to told me I was beautiful… And it is often said that London isn’t friendly.

I experience friendliness wherever I go.

Of course there are the souls that appear to be closed and on auto pilot – but that is everywhere in the world; not just London town.

Everything is new again for me…

 I belong to Pure Gym which is a chain, and here I have one directly below my new work space… I went to train there today – and wandered about lost… Eventually finding my way into the changing room – then having as many problems finding my way out…!

Running on the treadmill was a safe option for not getting lost 🙂

Nomad life trained me well for changing my whole life in a trice…

But everything has always seemed new to me anyway… Even when it is the same.

Anadi and I were chatting the other day about seeing people when they don’t know you’ve seen them… ‘You always look still, and present from afar’, I said to him…

‘You always look present too’, he replied… ‘But you also look like you’ve just arrived on planet earth and are seeing it for the first time! – Like it’s a new land, and you don’t know the rules or what you are supposed to be doing’…

I laughed

‘That’s about it,’ I replied… ‘I have always had trouble learning the rules…’!

Being shaken up is a good thing, it can free us from something… Kicking up the dust so that we can wipe the slate – clean the mirror…

Being in a body on planet earth lends us to try and keep everything the same, known, safe, secure… But a reminder that this isn’t so, however uncomfortable, is at the deepest level an opportunity for greater freedom…

This is a cryptic way to say that I tripped over – (again!) – while I was running this morning, in the park…

I was winding my way between runners and walkers; dogs and bikes; babies in prams – and I didn’t see the tree roots that had pushed the concrete up out of the ground…

I flew through the air, and landed face down; ripping my new gloves – my hands were glad of their protection! The hard ground, cut both my knees, blood seeping immediately through my leggings…

In the moments before landing I experienced pure emptiness – total meditation – on the move! 

I rolled over immediately and sat up – a few people rushed over…‘I’m good’, I said, ‘thank you thank you…’

They left me be.

The man whose feet I had fallen at checked I was really okay… ‘You want to get up’?

‘No, I’ll stay here a bit…Thank you’… He ran on…

The activity continued all around me…Suddenly I felt tearful, my body shocked… Sitting on the ground on a sunny bright day of winter beauty… Shaken up, something clearing out, any attachment to certainty!

A lady came over, she was kind and re assuring… ‘Silly roots’ she said; ‘Silly me’, I replied. 

She helped me up and offered me a lift home…‘No no, Thank you – I’m good’, I said – ‘I don’t live far away, I’ll walk – I’m just a bit shaken up…’

Something being shaken out!

Setting me free

What’s your name I asked as we were parting – ‘Katherine’ she replied.

I wandered along, enjoying the sparkly day… I liked walking along, the river all shiny, reflective – reflecting. I was only about a mile from home…

Freedom.

The wisdom of uncertainty… Nothing safe and secure. The only safety to become safe within, centred… Silent…

And trust in Totality, moment to moment.

If we shake out any rigidity and attachment to things being a certain way; then we are truly free to live every moment.

Here 

Now.

It was Thursday morning in early January…

I was sitting in a little cafe drinking a delicious banana peanut butter and almond milk protein shake, having run to the Pure gym in Covent garden, completed a work out there and was now enjoying the aftermath…

As I sat relaxing, an email landed in my inbox. It was from the management team at my office…

‘Urgent news, we need to arrange a meeting with you as soon as possible…’

I responded immediately and was booked in for a slot at 3pm that day…

The meeting took place in a big board room, with the management team I know, and two of the head honchos from the company…

It took only a few minutes… 

The lease on the building had come up for renewal and it is not being renewed…

This meant that the team in front of me, had the difficult task of telling each business owner individually, and the job of re housing 70 businesses, with just two weeks to do it in.

They asked me what was important to me…

‘Good communications, so that my clients can easily travel to me, and a shower in the building so that I can run to work’ I said… 

‘Oh, and coffee shops near by – but that’s  easy in London…’ I laughed.

A location, close to Piccadilly Circus tube station was suggested, and it was emphasised I needed to act quickly as the offices would be going very fast…

And so the next morning, bright and early, I arrived to view what was to become my ‘new home’… 

I couldn’t have created something more perfect…

A bigger office, in a fabulous building, with a Pure gym on the first floor , and Piccadilly tube station a stone’s throw away – my exit right by the Eros statue which I like very much!

This time last year, I was a nomad in Spain…

I couldn’t have predicted the turn my life has taken, but I do know that I have always made the choice to follow the path of inner freedom rather than following my ego, or my mind.

Which looks to be quite a paradox…

By making the choice to follow this path, and by listening always to my inner compass, it has landed me slap bang in the middle of London Town…

With financial commitments to a flat, office space  and Value Added Tax! 

If we trust the path of growth from the journey within

Then all is revealed in each moment as we travel the road less travelled.