Dear Diary; Each Step is Light

As Anadi and I walked the streets of London on Saturday, I felt more acutely aware than ever the truth of presence – of being where we are. Of acceptance that all that is, in this moment could be no other way; and that we make a difference in the world by our own presence.

We saw a helicopter overhead and surmised that there was protesting happening in London Town.

We decided to investigate and along the way saw many police officers – we asked what was happening…. We were informed that it was ‘The kill the bill’ protest… We walked miles but didn’t find the protesters…

I was aware, as we walked the streets together watching the world all around us, that freedom comes from within… If there is alignment within then all our actions make a difference… Whether we are on a path of protesting for something or sitting having a coffee.

External change comes from within and following that energy wherever it takes us

Following our own truth whatever that may be…

And knowing deep inside that Presence, is all there is.

In every moment there is limitless possibility – in every moment we can create 

We do create.

Our lives, unfolding with every breath.

If we are aware our our breath and we are able to feel the energy, the life force within us and all around us.

We can know deeply that we are that energy.

The energy that is creating always; it has created universes and is ever expanding…

As are we.

To return to the present moment, all we need do is take one conscious breath in, and breathe out anything we are holding onto – and then fully experience the space at the bottom of the breath before we breathe in once again.

In that space is the all pervading truth.

If we stay with this space then we are able to live beyond the duality of the mind

Which can dart hither and thither.

Instead we can direct the flow of this energy, and focus on what we want to think; rather than our thoughts thinking us…

It is this simple.

But as complex as the human mind with its diversity and madness when left unchecked.

And so with every step we take

With every breath we breathe

We can be still and know who we are.

The wars of the world of duality have always been here; trauma, drama, pain, anguish, division…

This is the normal state of madness of the mind.

The truth of who we are is silent

The witnesser to it all.

For a change in society – we must change within, because the irony Is that if we are trying to change the world, we have set off in the wrong direction

To change the world it is required that we are silent within

Totally present

Presence itself 

In each step

And then our path is revealed from this place…

We know when to speak or not to speak – to make a stand or not. 

Our path is clear from the inside out.

When consciousness flows through us we light the world

When we are a light unto ourselves then each step is clear 

Each step is light…

Whether we are shod or not!

Dear Diary;Transcend the Traps of the Mind

Thursday morning

Running on ouchie ground – one of the most profound meditations…!

Worth a try 🙂

It lends itself to being here and now

In the step

Feeling the ground beneath the soles, relaxing, breathing – being – as the prickly ground ignites sensations in the foot and all through the body

Now.

Good Friday afternoon

The atmosphere quiet and still – the street empty save for a few passers by; a family out for a bike ride, a couple wandering along, laughing – holding hands.

I sat in the sun on the step – the rays hot on my face – a little sun trap – only this morning Anadi and I had run in a day that felt icy cold… Into a bitter freezing wind, across the expanse of Hyde park green green grassiness. My feet are getting used to springs’ celebration with its mercurial magic make up!

Warm one minute, not the next!

No thought is possible; when we stay with the vertical line of presence and experience it fully

No horizontal thinking 

No past rumination or clinging on, or future fear – we can transcend the traps of the mind

Instead enjoying each step on the green grass, the smooth path turning to ouchie, the wide swathe of sand that sweeps through Hyde Park.

Feeling the earth beneath my feet.

A parakeet swoops in front of the magnolia bursting forth standing tall above the stream streaming and sparkling, which turns into a little waterfall.

Appreciating this beautiful park, which Henry  V111 acquired from the monks of Westminster Abbey in 1536, he and his court were often seen on horseback, galloping in the hunt for deer

They’re still galloping now

And so back home

Along the Kings Road

I left Anadi at Jubilee place to run back to his new flat and I carried on alone…

Running around without shoes on creates quite a sensation…

I passed a young boy – about eleven years… ’WOW’ he exclaimed, and then ‘Mum mum look…’

A young child asked loudly ‘Daddy – why isn’t that lady wearing shoes..?

I wondered what answer they received…

As I ran on

Some people look down at my feet like they are two little wild animals that have escaped…As if I ( above my feet) don’t exist… But sometimes they stop me, to ask what it’s like… ‘Aren’t your feet cold’? One man enquired this morning…

No, no, I laughed…

And on I ran.

In the joy of pure presence, that each step brings

Knowing that when we stay fully in the step the next will take care of itself

Dear Diary; As I walked out…

Sometimes I wake up and think I’ll go for a walk…

And that I might keep going again – day after day like Laurie Lee ( and me in 2018!)… 

He inspired me when I was twenty years old, ‘As I walked out one midsummer morning’ echoed in my soul… Although by now my steps had become running ones, I had ‘walked out’ all my life, out into the fields behind our house, further to the woods and onto the common land…

Across to the next village and back again; walks taking three hours and more at a tender age… In Cornwall on holiday – early each morning alone I walked, by now inspired by William Wordsworth walking in the mornings around the lake – five miles or more…

One Easter Monday we walked seventeen miles to Guildford Cathedral – a group of us from the church – hours and hours it took until we looked up the hill to the cathedral standing tall and straight and red, the late afternoon spring sun shining on its windows – the organ playing inside…

And then I started to run instead of walk…

For years and years I was too tired to walk – when I wasn’t running I sat and reflected – or drove my car or took a train…

But in March 2020 when we were all locked in, walking walking and walking has all come back again…

Walking the streets and the parks with Anadi – hours and hours, each night we walked and through the weekend too.

And we haven’t stopped.

Time standing still in the step and the next…

The miles going by – the journey mirroring life – leaving it all behind as we go nowhere

The past melting into each mile and the next

No future on the walk

No purpose

No where to get to

But to be in the step and the next

And the experience of being alone together…

When I was twenty a wise person said to me about running that Van Aaken ( a renowned coach at the time) recommended walking breaks on the run. I listened to this truth, but didn’t hear it for many years…

I had somewhere to get to – the land of faster times – and I couldn’t afford to stop and walk…

But the land of faster times proved to be a chimera

I chose the best myth to chase 

My faster and faster times reached a point where they started to get slower and slower…

This irony wasn’t lost on me.

My spiritual quest of inner peace, silence, stillness always prevalent in the race to win.

And so after many many years I won my own race

I found out how to let go…

And walk out each morning – sometimes running, but with walking breaks as well; when I want, and so my soul follows the dream of the step…

Whether it is on the same well trodden routes around the parks and up the Kings road 

Or across a vast expanse of land

Spain…

Two years ago I finished my own walk out on the run – in my naked feet in the same town that Laurie Lee had ended too…I had forgotten this; not having read the book for almost forty years.

A Journalist alerted me… ‘So you chose to finish where Laurie Lee finished because he was your inspiration?’ she asked…

‘He finished in Almuñécar’? I asked with incredulity

Yes, he finished in Almuñécar too’…

Dear Diary; ‘Three Thousand Possibilities…’

It can be empowering to first recognise that we are all dreaming our life into being…

Now….

In this moment – which means that in every moment we have the potential to create a different future…

As the Buddha said, there are three thousand possibilities in every moment

And so this would indicate that we can create anything we want…

We are pure consciousness experiencing life, experiencing ourselves in a body, thinking thoughts, feeling emotions… 

We believe these thoughts and emotions and experiences that arise from them, to be who we are….

But so often our personality is simply a set of ideas and ideals and adaptations created from our past which we have become used to…

We often don’t question, or even stop to notice the patterns and predictability of our life…

Consciousness has limitless potential, everything we see and experience is created out of the no thing ness.

Consciousness doesn’t need form, but it seeks to create it and this universe is teeming with the possibility and potential of absolutely anything that we can imagine…

So why do we often feel so stuck, in a rut, doing the same things over and over… ?

Acting out the same habits, reactions, responses that then bring about the same life…

If we like this life, and who we are – then all is well…

But if we would like to feel fully at ease, with peace inside, and to create from a place of joy and ease; without the push or stress that may have accompanied other times of desire or striving – even perhaps when we have tried to learn to meditate and be still!

Then it is important to start to connect to who you truly are.

And we discover ourselves in the silence of the breath…

In learning to be the witnesser when we meditate

In this silent space within, we can be free of the habits of our unconscious and start to consciously create our life…

Breath by breath by breath.

We can discover how to be the masters of our body and our mind and experience life in the now….

When we create our life from this place, everything feels different…

But it takes practise, like anything…

Just deciding to do things differently or be different doesn’t often have lasting effects… When we don’t shift at the core level then we easily revert to the patterns and programming of those initial years…

It is through being present in every single moment and being conscious of our every feeling, reactivity and thought that we can start to truly understand how we can in the present moment heal the past and create a new future…

It comes back to the breath

To be present

To feel and experience presence – being willing to fully step into the step.

To feel it, be it, and know that if you are fully present, the next step can take care of itself from our conscious creativity…

Connecting to our true self and the life we would truly like to live can happen in wonderful ways from the moment we commit to looking within rather than searching for stimulation and answers outside of ourselves…

In this moment, we can turn inwards and know ourselves

But it takes practise

Practise

Practise

Being presence

Being present

Dear Diary; The Keys to Our Life

We all have the keys to our life…

All we need do is put them in the lock; turn them and the door will open to reveal a completely new landscape. In each moment the past completely vanished, just like the wake of a boat.

When I look back now at my life all I can see if the vast expanse of the ocean.

Of the life force.

Of infinity

Huge vast infinite… Lifetimes upon lifetimes. All happening here and now.

And at the same time all vanished into the no thing ness.

Each moment new, a drop of dew. Shimmering quivering with life. And in each moment limitless possibilities for something different to happen.

I am this moment.

I started writing when I was very small; I have lost the original ‘manuscripts’, but I can remember when I was eight years old I wrote a story about battle.

I wrote about the men praying for the battle to be over, and of their prayers being answered, but not as they might have wished; with an arrow through their heart – and they fell to the earth.

It was over…

I wrote about how if you were to look up there was beauty; sun blue skies, clouds scudding… Branches of trees dancing in the breeze; but then if instead you were to look down you would witness death and bloodshed; dying men and horses screaming in pain.

I wrote of how the battle ended, and the men went home to their families.

There were scenes of great joy and scenes of such sadness – some never returned.

Parting and re uniting all at once.

Life death and re birth.

I wrote about the yin and the yang; the samsara of this universe.

And for over fifty years, I have – in some ways – simply written the same thing;

Over and over again

And I have watched the yin to the yang reflected outwards in my life, as I swung with the polarity of this existence, until I could fully experience the silence beyond the duality, and so help others free themselves from fear.

Fear stops us from truly living and truly loving 

Ourselves 

And others

In perfect love there is no fear

Dear Diary; Limitless Possibility

The Kings road is our playground now. I love the energy…

I was first drawn to this place aged fourteen years. I went there for a shopping trip with £5 to spend.

I bought two pairs of brightly coloured loons (£1.99 each) – two bits of material sewed together serving as jeans – fashionable in the 70’s! And a T shirt…

And now years later, I love our weekly ‘outing’ to Pret for coffee.

Rain threatened in the cloudy grey heaviness, so we carried (well Anadi did!) the big purple umbrella I had immediately purchased on returning to the UK last year.

The heavens opened just as we had arrived, carrying coffees and ‘brunch’, to sit outside the Saatchi gallery – our ‘outdoor cafe’ for now.

We made for a corner, between two buildings, and sheltered on a dry bit of ground under the umbrella. 

A fun time – a dry and warm time – in our little den with the rain pouring down.

There was no where else I would rather have been but there, sharing a cup of coffee (and an almond croissant of course!) with Anadi – looking out through a glaze of translucent wetness.

We watched people running this way and that for shelter, under trees and shop fronts.

All of us being where we all were.

There is nowhere else to be but where we are.

From this place we can create our next moment and our next…

From this place of presence…

This place free from the pain of the past, stories, outdated scripts that feel to have nothing to do with who we know ourselves to be.

Here, right now, in the watery filled moment there was nothing but possibility, shimmering and dancing with the blowing leaves on the trees.

Where to now?

Which way will our energy glint and glisten to reflect another experience, another scene in the play of our life?

Do we want to turn and catch the light in a different way, from a different angle and see a new act playing out in front of us; or do we like the old?

Perhaps we didn’t we know we could turn a different way and see a different reflection.

In this moment, in this silent space there is limitless possibility…

And in the next

And the next. 

Dear Diary; Life a Mystery to be Lived

There is a shop on the Kings road that I have been drawn to since living her …

The look of it anyway… I had never been inside; it was always closed when I ran by – morning and night – as I journeyed to and fro to work.

An Aladdin’s cave, a magical mystery tour awaiting me, a treat in store … And then it was shut 

Locked 

Down

A shiny orb – a  crystal ball emanating esoteric energy – sits still in the window… The colours, the vibrancy; crystals clustered… velvet drapes…

Beautiful to me

A world I have always loved…

But today as Anadi and I wandered by, the door was ajar… I peered in.

‘We’re open’, a man called, and so we entered to the experience of delightful be-jewelled joy, the smell of mysticism; books, cards, colourful clothes, silk dresses, striped trews… Hippy bags – I bought one; Joss sticks piled high – ‘Nag Champa and Palo Santo please’ I bought these too… Cards painted – swirling, shape, form, magic…

I spoke to the man who had beckoned us in – admired his ceiling, newly painted purple, yellow, black stripes in between… Anadi chatting to the other.

‘This is a haunt of Eric Clapton, Charlie Watts and Mick Jagger’ he said…

Ahh, kindred spirits – I mused, as we set off once more on our Saturday outing; along the Kings road.

Life unfolding, walking up a road…

Many buildings, with doors to walk through…

Which ones we choose determine the experiences, the lessons, the people we meet.

Other spirits who too have walked through that door; opened the way to new vistas and visions

Experiences to be had.

Many doors, many choices

No wrong way or right

All unfolding exactly as it is

In each moment

“Life is a mystery to be lived not a puzzle to be solved’

Dear Diary; Nowhere To Get To, Nowhere To Go

These past few weeks have felt like my life in the 70’s…

Lots of wandering about with my best friend.

No where to get to; nowhere to go… No real urgency or rush 

An enjoyment of being.

With a true friend… My ease in self mirrored back there .

I met Wends in nursery school – we were four years old –  and as the years went by and we were ‘let out’ alone, we started wandering about the village, back and forth to one another’s homes.

Spending some time together in one house – and then back again to the other – stopping to sit on the bench that encircled the huge old chestnut tree in the middle of the village. 

Talking and wandering, just being together – completely happy in one another’s company… Sufficient unto each other… And then back we would wander to the home of the other..

Hours spent chatting in our bedrooms, or just quietly lying about reading books…

Painting and drawing – writing stories…

Or planning our lives…

Envisioning what they would look like…

(nb, Wends life has turned out pretty much as she dreamed into being at age eight years – mine nothing like!!) 

And as the years went by we simply wandered further afield, caught buses and trains to meander about in other towns – supposedly on shopping trips that were in reality extensions of an opportunity to talk and just be together…

I learnt to drive the moment I was seventeen – and then we travelled even greater distances; down to Bude for a week once; where we did the same thing…

Wandered about the town, the beach; walking and talking and just being together…

And now, these past few weeks, Anadi and I are doing the same… 

When we’re not working – we wander about. 

Into the park, along the river; up the Kings road…

Walking and talking, just being together.

There is no need for entertainment of any sort… 

It reminds me of the past….

That is existing now; there isn’t any difference to the essence of us all.

Without any distractions we can know our self; enjoy our self.

Be our own true friend to our self… With another mirroring this back

Or alone

Wandering about… It’s what we’re all doing.

Experiencing a life.

Nowhere to get to

Nowhere to go

Being

Here

Now

Dear Diary; Flying on Land

Every morning I open the front door and step outside and go running about, along the roads, in the parks, by the side of the river…

I like running about; with no plan, no where to go or reason to be doing it.

When I was young I liked this too – in fact I liked two things a lot… I liked running as fast as I could on grass, racing along – like the wind…

Flying on land…

And I liked going a long way… Setting off on adventures, walking or running for miles, and often getting lost!

Many years years later, I still like these two things a lot… Running as fast as I can on grass, racing along – like the wind – flying on land; and I like going a long way.

I like to journey for the sake of journeying 

I like  going running for the sake of running

I like living life for the sake of living – Life an adventure

Life as an experience – no where to ‘get to’

So much of a life can be spent trying to ‘get there’… To the end of exams, and then to the end of more exams, and then to get a job and then to get a better one… Always trying to ‘get somewhere’ –  and then off again…

Now there is nothing wrong at all with stretching towards a goal, to accomplish something is wonderful.

But more wonderful and fun than trying to arrive – is to be journeying towards the goal in the moment.

Relaxed and free… One step at a time towards the goal, fully present… The Zen of achievement – a sort of oxymoron!

Being on planet earth lends itself to creating a life, sharing our existence and achieving things and creating a reality that we can enjoy.

Creating experiences…

But it is far more fun to fully experience the experiences; to be here and now in whatever we are doing…

Experiencing…

The Zen of exam revision

The Zen of art and music

The Zen of learning a new skill

The Zen of stretching to get fitter stronger

The Zen of making more money

The Zen of building a new home

The Zen of running….

The Zen of life in each moment